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Joke of the day


Toolndie7

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THE  5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under".

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet;  but when they go, they
  take your house and car with them..

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER:
Q: What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke:
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
 
 
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A guy walks into a bar sits down and tells the bartender "12 shots of your best whiskey, line em up!!"

The bartender replies " Look man, we got GOOD whiskeys here, you'e talking 30 bucks a shot!"

To which the guy replies "12 shots, POUR EM!!"

The bartender sets up 12 shot glasses and pours 12 shots.

The guy goes right down the line, boom, boom, boom...... Does all 12 shots.

The bartender looks at the guy and says "Damn! I'e NEVER seen anyone drink like that before!!"

The guy replies "If you had what I've got you'd drink like that!"

The bartender says "Oh no man, what do you have?"

The guy says "Six dollars!!!"

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Ray's twelve shots joke reminded me of one;

Guy walks into the bar and orders ten shots of whiskey. The bartender sets him up and the guy goes down the line slamming each one.

When he finishes the bartender asked him "what was that all about?"

The guy replied "I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender says "Congratulations, I'll buy you another shot!" to which the guy replied "Nah, if the first ten didn't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't help!"

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Little Jose's teacher gave the class an assignment for the next day, tell the class a story about you or a family member with a moral to it.

The next day the teacher asked who wanted to go first with their story and little Susie's hand went up. She stood up and told the class about how her father had put eggs in the incubator to hatch them and how he would take the family on a trip with the money from selling the chicks. A lot of the eggs didn't hatch so they didn't get to go on the trip. When she finished the teacher asked her what the moral of her story was and she replied "Never count your chickens before they hatch!"

Little Becky put her hand up and she stood up and told the class about how her father had a basket of eggs on the front seat of the truck and was going to the market to sell them and use the money to buy her a bicycle. Someone pulled out in front of them and when her father slammed on the brakes the eggs fell to the floor and broke so she didn't get a new bicycle. The teacher asked her what the moral to her story was and she replied "Never put all your eggs in one basket!"

Little Jose was frantically waving his hand so the teacher called on him next. Jose stood up and started telling the class about his Tia Rosa, who used to be in the Army. He said one time she was in a plane that got shot down and she parachuted from the plane with only a .45 on one hip, a machete on the other hip and a bottle of tequila. She opened her parachute and drank the bottle of tequila on the way down. She landed in a group of 15 enemy soldiers and immediately pulled the .45 and emptied it, killing 7 of the soldiers. She then pulled the machete and hacked another 7 to death, breaking the machete. The last one she beat to death with the tequila bottle!

When little Jose finished with his story the teacher had a flabbergasted look on her face and exclaimed "Oh my! What on earth cold be the moral to a story like that?" Little Jose smiled big and said "The moral to my story is you don't fuk with Tia Rosa when she's been drinking!"

Edited by 392heminut
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7 minutes ago, 98Z5V said:

I LIKE IT!!!  

Tequila.  One of two things is gonna happen when you drink Tequila.  It's gonna be wild jungle-monkey sex, or someone's gettin' the shiit beat out of them.

 

Sometimes, it's both...  :laffs::lmao::box1::hump:

 

:pics-stfu:

I wondered why my sphincter hurt so bad after the primitive weapons match, now I know....

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2 hours ago, 98Z5V said:

I LIKE IT!!!  

Tequila.  One of two things is gonna happen when you drink Tequila.  It's gonna be wild jungle-monkey sex, or someone's gettin' the shiit beat out of them.

 

Sometimes, it's both...  :laffs::lmao::box1::hump:

 

:pics-stfu:

OR......................................GREG comes out to play....................and all of the above happens. :lmao:

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I love this Doctor!
image.jpeg.735e7e24c63c7ed0b68d187937013922.jpeg
 
             


Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.  Want to live longer?  Take nap.  


Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  
A:  No, not at all.  Wine made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Bottom up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...good! 
          
Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?  
A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food are fried these day in vegetable oil  In fact, they permeated by it.  How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?  


Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not!  When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.  

Q:  Is chocolate bad for me?  
A:  Are you crazy?!?  HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure?  
A:  If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!  'Round' is shape!  
Well.. I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And  remember:
  
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!" 
    
AND.....

For  those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.  
 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
 and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
 and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
 and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
 
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
  
Edited by washguy
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