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Joke of the day


Toolndie7
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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an Indian medicine man
living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure
for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder, warned

‘This is a powerful medicine.. You take only a teaspoonful, and then
say: ‘1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and
asked “How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked:

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

(And that is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle.)
😜🤣

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On 2/15/2022 at 10:08 PM, Cunuckgaucho said:

Grammer would have been more fun learning if all the lesson were taught like this.

Ain't that the dadgone truth, I never did figure out what a dangling participle was till I saw this example and  that one before it:

If "A" is for apple and "B" is for banana what is "C"for (Plastic explosive!"

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  • 3 weeks later...

A husband and wife decided to take up golf and booked some golf lessons.  The husband's lesson was first. 

He got out his driver for his first hit and the instructor stopped him before he swung.  

"Wait!  You're holding the club too tight.  You need to hold it like you do your wife's breasts."

He adjusted his grip and hit his first shot 250 yards down the middle of the fairway.  He told his wife about his lesson when he got home that night.  She was excited for her lesson the next day.

When she got ready for her first swing at her lesson, the instructor stopped her before the swing.  

"You're holding the club too tight.  You need to adjust your grip.  You should hold it like you hold your husband's penis."

So, she adjusted her grip and hit her first shot.  It went about 15 feet in front of her and stopped.

The instructor said "OK, now take the club out of your mouth and let's try this again."

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5 hours ago, Armed Eye Doc said:

A husband and wife decided to take up golf and booked some golf lessons.  The husband's lesson was first. 

He got out his driver for his first hit and the instructor stopped him before he swung.  

"Wait!  You're holding the club too tight.  You need to hold it like you do your wife's breasts."

He adjusted his grip and hit his first shot 250 yards down the middle of the fairway.  He told his wife about his lesson when he got home that night.  She was excited for her lesson the next day.

When she got ready for her first swing at her lesson, the instructor stopped her before the swing.  

"You're holding the club too tight.  You need to adjust your grip.  You should hold it like you hold your husband's penis."

So, she adjusted her grip and hit her first shot.  It went about 15 feet in front of her and stopped.

The instructor said "OK, now take the club out of your mouth and let's try this again."

:laffs:That's a good one Doc.

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On 5/13/2014 at 8:28 AM, Toolndie7 said:

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money sitting on the counter. Curious, he asks the bartender about it. The man replies, "It's a contest we have. Put $20 in the jar, chug a bottle of tequila without puking, then go into the next room and pull the bad tooth from the vicious rottweiler, then go upstairs and fornicate the 105 year old woman. If you can do all those things within an hour you get to keep all the money in the jar." The man thinks about it for a minute and guesses there must be at least $1000 in the jar, so he says "fornicate it" and puts in his $20. He chugs the tequila within 20 minutes and stumbles drunkenly into the room with the dog. Screaming, snarling, whimpering, barking, and other horrible noises can be heard from the room. The man stumbles back out, bloodied and with his clothes in tatters, and says, "Alright, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"

good 1

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  • 2 weeks later...

Stanley died in a fire accident and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body. So they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Jim and Allen. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Jim arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Jim said, “The face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Jim said, “Nope, this ain’t Stanley.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Allen in to confirm the identity of the body. Allen looked at the body and said, “The face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Allen said, “Nope, this ain’t Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Allen said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”

“What! He had two assholes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup, everybody in the town used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”

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On 3/22/2022 at 7:48 AM, DNP said:

I almost changed the names on there, but I didn’t have time…it was also hard to pick the victim and the assholes. There’s so many assholes here. 

Yeah. When you show up in the desert at the SDTF......this is what you find.

 

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3 hours ago, Rsquared said:

Yeah. When you show up in the desert at the SDTF......this is what you find.

 

...and the ass#oles keep firing out in the SDTF. 

We just need to get Rene out there for a shoot.  He would build a whole village for us.  He can't sit still that long.:lmao:

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1 hour ago, Armed Eye Doc said:

...and the ass#oles keep firing out in the SDTF. 

We just need to get Rene out there for a shoot.  He would build a whole village for us.  He can't sit still that long.:lmao:

Gotta do it before the ride ends 🍻🍻

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  • 1 month later...
  • 5 weeks later...

Yesterday my daughter emailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing. Talking about my doing something useful seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is only thinking of me she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an email saying that I had joined the senior parachute club. She replied are you nuts? You're 67 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ? I told her that I even had a membership card and emailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephone me and yelled, good grief, dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a prostitutes club, not a parachute club. oh man I am I in trouble. I said, I signed up for five jumps a week. The line went dead. Life as a senior citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

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A fellow I know makes coffins. One day he was about to make a delivery to the local funeral home when his vehicle broke down. Not wanting to be late in making his delivery he decided to put the coffin on his head and walk. He didn't get too far when a policeman stopped him and asked him what he was doing and where was he going. He turned around to the officer and said, I don't like where I was buried so I am relocating! The policeman fainted.

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7 hours ago, unforgiven said:

Yesterday my daughter emailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing. Talking about my doing something useful seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is only thinking of me she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an email saying that I had joined the senior parachute club. She replied are you nuts? You're 67 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ? I told her that I even had a membership card and emailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephone me and yelled, good grief, dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a prostitutes club, not a parachute club. oh man I am I in trouble. I said, I signed up for five jumps a week. The line went dead. Life as a senior citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

good ones! :thumbup:

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22 hours ago, unforgiven said:

Yesterday my daughter emailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing. Talking about my doing something useful seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She is only thinking of me she said, and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the fellas. So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an email saying that I had joined the senior parachute club. She replied are you nuts? You're 67 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ? I told her that I even had a membership card and emailed a copy to her. Immediately, she telephone me and yelled, good grief, dad, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a prostitutes club, not a parachute club. oh man I am I in trouble. I said, I signed up for five jumps a week. The line went dead. Life as a senior citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

The only part that isn't believable is you signing up for only 5 jumps a week :laffs:

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On 6/4/2022 at 11:39 AM, Cunuckgaucho said:

The only part that isn't believable is you signing up for only 5 jumps a week :laffs:

 

On 6/4/2022 at 8:11 PM, unforgiven said:

I had to keep it believable :lmao:

Paratroopers are tough - you can pull 4 or 5 jumps a day, but you're SMOKED afterwards...   :banana:

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