Belt Fed

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar. I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art. He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!” “No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them? You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”

A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!” - A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am. - “What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer. - “I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man. - “Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!” - The man sighs, “my wife.”

Father: “Son, you were adopted.” Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.

A man comes home and yells joyfully: “Honey I won the Lotto! Pack your things for a nice big vacation!” - She asks: “Awesome! Should I pack for warm or cold weather?” - Man beams: “I don’t care. Just be on your way already!”

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient. “Yes, just like you said, doc.” “And is the bronchitis gone now?” “Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

Thank you. Nothing like getting old. But it is better than the alternative.

Think I found a couple of the prototypes.

Guy kissed a cottonmouth.