My new electric fence

[wetncold]

Borrowed because it made me laugh. Very hard.

 

We have the standard 6 ft.
Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about
burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence
and ran a single wire along the top of the fence
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long
ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground,
the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart
6 hip big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and
laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged
the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached
down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it
after all.

Now I'm standing there,
I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand.
Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine
battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on
the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my
pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs
& Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my
head. I was literally at one with the engine
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of poop
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical
impulses.
Science says you cannot crap,
pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only
did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a
Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along
and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap
your pants 3 times. It seemed like

There were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30
minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire.
My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences ... But Dad always had those piece of poop chargers
made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and
just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod
is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp
Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the
tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting
to run rough. It has settled into a loping run
pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in
it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I
think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But
nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting
for the go command from its owner's right foo
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill
me. God did not take me that day .... He left me there
covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own
stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire

I woke up laying on the ground
hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long
skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of
the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a
few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to
have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the
bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right)
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not
open.
5 - My right eye will not
close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a
sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared
out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in
the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4
(still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I
now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the
little things more, and now I always triple check to make
sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system
will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling
all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I
mow. 

[MikedaddyH]

Started to laugh but that is some serious stuff. Glad you are alive ! 

I felt 660 volt 3 phase for about 25 seconds it messed me up for about a month. I was changing light bulbs in the ceiling of the warehouse that I worked in, standing in a wooden box on a forklift 30 feet in the air. Couldn't let go until the forklift driver drop the box 6 feet. Burnt fingertips on both hands. I was saying, " Shi - Shiii - Shiiiitttt !"

[beantown]

I LMAO at that one. #thumbsup

[washguy]

That made Me Pee  !      LOL      Wash

[shepp]

Started to laugh but that is some serious stuff. Glad you are alive ! 

I felt 660 volt 3 phase for about 25 seconds it messed me up for about a month. I was changing light bulbs in the ceiling of the warehouse that I worked in, standing in a wooden box on a forklift 30 feet in the air. Couldn't let go until the forklift driver drop the box 6 feet. Burnt fingertips on both hands. I was saying, " Shi - Shiii - Shiiiitttt !"

shits no joke I had 460 3 phase blow on me last week, it's what I would assume a flash bang would be, momentary blinding flash and a bang that disorients you. I hate working with high voltage

Edited January 11, 2016 by shepp

[Magwa]

I hate anything you can't see but will grab you and do all that stuff to you , hell you can not even shoot it.....

 

[shepp]

I hate anything you can't see but will grab you and do all that stuff to you , hell you can not even shoot it.....

 

good way of putting it

[mrmackc]

I try not to think too hard about ghosts, electricity, voodoo heaxes and other stuff I can't shoot, stab or strangle. Ha!