Armed Eye Doc

Lol

LOL <laughs>

Nymphomaniac Convention.... A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba....

Try pasting the old fashioned way. Use CTRL+V. It's how we did it before these new fangled mouse things with their clicking.

I agree that it looks like something from the outside eating inward. Hope he gets better soon.

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. She says, "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

:drool: I couldn't help myself.

It looks good. I also like some of the other pictures you have in your photobucket.

A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking. Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " “No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

That was hilarious. <lmao> Texas Mashinator was no doubt inspired by the scene from Star Wars.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

The Government of Manitoba found about 200 dead crows near Winnipeg last fall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They hired a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck".

Look out behind!

On January 6th, a group of Albuquerque bikers were riding west on I-40 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Rio Grande Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide." While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant Minster, and a Jewish Rabbi entered into a contest of conversionary power. Each was to go into the woods and attempt to convert a grizzly bear into their faith. The priest went first and entered the woods. He showed up later at the local hospital mauled and with a broken clavicle. He told the minister and the rabbi that the bear became enraged when he sprinkled him with holy water. He wrestled with and was mauled by the bear for quite a while before his prayers of absolution began to work. Then the bear became as gentle as a lamb, and a true Christian. The minister went next. He also showed up later at the local hospital in much worse shape than the priest. A battery of machines attended to his wounds. He described the terrible attack of the bear when he attempted to dunk him in the water in baptism. He thought he was going to die, but after the baptism the bear became docile and converted to the faith. The rabbi went last and a couple hours later he also showed up at the hospital. He was the worst of the three, mauled terribly and attended to by many doctors. To the other two he said, “O.K. Maybe trying to circumcise the bear was not the best idea in town.”

Afternoon sex The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: - 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. - 'An ambulance just drove by!' - 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out. - 'Matt's riding a new bike!' - 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' - 'Jason is on his skate board!' - After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!' Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out.. 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Cause Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

An Arab enters a taxi.......... Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........ The Arab leans forward and asks the driver not to drive by the movie theater because at the time of the prophet, there were no movies and the bill boards showed women with their hair and legs uncovered and that certainly wasn’t permitted at the time of the prophet. So the cab driver stops the cab, politely switches off the radio, and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?” The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a F#$!ing camel.”

Welcome from Texas and thank you for your service.

Woops ! A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to the bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She goes berserk and reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket many times as hard as she can. She then goes to the kitchen to have a drink and cry. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello? "

Jiggy A young lad from Sydney, Nova Scotia goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Antigonish that could teach our dog "Jiggy" how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Jiggy in that program?' 'Just send him in here with $1200,' the young lad says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog "Jiggy"and $1200. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The young lad calls home. 'So how's Jiggy doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read..' 'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in that program?' 'Just send $2300. I'll get him in the class for sure.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's my Jiggy? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the young lad says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Cape Breton Post. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead working in the bakery at the grocery store?'' The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and later on, he became a politician.

If he held it two feet lower, he would have solved the reproduction problem.

Here's a picture of mine just after I got it a little over 3 years ago.

A call to the Vet A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked for me," he replied.

OK, the last one didn't get a reaction. Let's try this one. Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" The woman explains, "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer in the basement, we'd both still be alive!!!"

Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are. The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!" The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!" Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "You two know nothing about fast. My father works for the government. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"