Matt.Cross Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Well fellas, it's time to take my gun collecting seriously and start practicing the art of intimidation. Today at 9:06am eastern, my wife gave birth to a 7lb 10oz 22" baby girl. I'm overjoyed to have a healthy baby girl, and at the same time I'm thinking about 12 -14 years ahead. I'm welcoming suggestions on how to scare prospective boyfriends, the scarier the better. That is all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgecrusher Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 my daughter is turning 6 in november, i have two pit bulls (big babies but very protective of her and big knives (tops steel eagles 111a and 107d) which i plan on taking a wet stone to every time a new boy comes to pick her up. the guns are good, but i really need to get a shotgun to intimidate. <thumbsup>. btw, she is a total daddy's girl, loves to play sports with me, and hopefully will get into shooting when she's a little older. so congrads new dad, have a cigar, the real fun is about to begin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imschur Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Congrats man.Buy some fake penises and stick them in jars of formaldehyde visible from the front door. Be sure to cover all ethnicities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgecrusher Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robocop1051 Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Congratulations! While I don't have a daughter... Yet... I was raised in a cowboy household with one younger sister.1. Stop cleaning your rifles after the range. You'll get plenty of time to clean guns as the boys start showing up. My father was no stranger to answering the door with a rifle in hand or a pistol tucked into his waistband. 2. Mount something dead on the wall. My father was a big game hunter and kept his "Boone and Crockett" trophies displayed proudly. It reminds people when your not around. 3. Leave random bullets everywhere. It'll drive the wife nuts, but the grief is worth it. Leave them in drawers, ashtrays, pen holders, on coffee tables. You're daughter will say things like "oh my gosh. Dad shoots so much that he leaves this stuff everywhere!" It's just another helpful reminder for when you're not there.4. Lastly, that good daddy-daughter relationship will have your baby always reminding people that daddy takes care of his little girl, and he will always be there when she needs him the most. My close friend was asked what he would do if anyone ever hurt one of his daughters. His response was, "25 to life." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgecrusher Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 My close friend was asked what he would do if anyone ever hurt one of his daughters. His response was, "25 to life."truer words have never been spoken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt.Cross Posted September 14, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Fantastic suggestions all the way around, keep 'em coming!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alelks Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five:In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on his subject is "early."Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my Daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imschur Posted September 14, 2011 Report Share Posted September 14, 2011 I love it!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgecrusher Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Best... post.... ever!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bgc Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Congratulations Matt! My little girl is turning 20 and in college. A Glock on the belt says a lot to a prospective young suitor..... And a BA110 in 300 Win Mag says a lot about me... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alelks Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Since we're talking about planning for the future take a look at the quote below my avatar "To react is negative. To respond is positive.". I would use this quote frequently while in the military.The meaning is as follows: If you react to a situation it means you have not planned properly for what just happened to you and that's not a good thing (a negative). If you respond it means you have planned and you can immediately come back with the PROPER response (a positive).So planning for these future events is a VERY good idea. Better to respond than to react. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 1. Matt, congrats! I'm happy for you, buddy, but I'm glad I'm NOT you. I have a 15-year old boy. I have one penis to worry about. In about 15 years, you're gonna have one MILLION penises to worry about... <lmao>2. AL, I'm so damn glad you're here, brother!... ;D <thumbsup> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alelks Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 EXACTLY Tom!I've always said it like this. With a boy I only have 1 prick in the neighborhood to worry about. With a girl I have all the pricks in the neighborhood to worry about. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt.Cross Posted September 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Rule One:If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.Rule Two:You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.Rule Three:I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.Rule Four:I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.Rule Five:In order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on his subject is "early."Rule Six:I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.Rule Seven:As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my Daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.Rule Nine:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.Rule Ten:Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.Best post ever, PERIOD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 I've known AL for about 6 or 7 years now. Just know this - his post is not bullpoopy... ;DAL, it really has been that long now - kinda scares me, brother. <dontknow> Where the fcuk does the time go? :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt.Cross Posted September 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 I've known AL for about 6 or 7 years now. Just know this - his post is not bullshit... ;DI was more or less thinking of how well he echoed my own sentiments... It's nice to be able to borrow from the experience of those who have a few years on me. I'm not kidding, I want to be able to put the fear of God in these kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 I'm not kidding, I want to be able to put the fear of God in these kids.And, we can help you... ;DNo joke... :o Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edgecrusher Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 i say we do mandatory group meetings for first dates. my little is almost six, so i give it a realistic 7-8 years and there will be a keg and bbq before she gets picked up, all out of staters will be supplied with house weapons, and let it be known we don't want any funny buisiness. next day will be a mandatory range day to get the what if's cleared Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weaponizer Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Congrats Matt...When she gets older make her a necklace with a 308 cartridge hanging from it, i guarantee he won't look further down... ;D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt.Cross Posted September 15, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 Carry on with the advice gentlemen, just be advised that I'm going to be ducking & covering for the next two weeks or so, MIL (Mother-In-Law) is here to help the wife out. If you need me, I'll be camping out under my house with the water hose and a crate of C-Rats. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alelks Posted September 15, 2011 Report Share Posted September 15, 2011 I've known AL for about 6 or 7 years now. Just know this - his post is not bullpoopy... ;DAL, it really has been that long now - kinda scares me, brother. <dontknow> Where the fcuk does the time go? :oI know man. Time definitely flies. Yea, I pretty much say what I mean and mean what I say. I'm an no BS type of person. If you want to know the truth just ask me. If you want me to tell you what I think you want to hear you're barking up the wrong tree. I retired as an E8 and NEVER wanted to make SGM for that very reason (I don't play the politics game).Tom and I are VERY much alike (Type A personalities for sure). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madhouse Posted September 18, 2011 Report Share Posted September 18, 2011 Congrats on the new baby matt !!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt.Cross Posted September 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 18, 2011 Congrats on the new baby matt !!!!!!!!!Thank you sir! Two days in and I unashamedly admit that I'm wrapped around her finger completely. It's all downhill from here.... <dontknow> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madhouse Posted September 18, 2011 Report Share Posted September 18, 2011 I hear that's how it works. <laughs> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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