What do you need in your home?

[392heminut]

One day in class the teacher goes around her asking each of her students this question:

What do you need at home?

Joey says, "A computer."

The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Jimmy says, "A new lawn mower."

And she gets a similar response.

Little Johnny pops up and says, "At my house we don't need nothing!"

The teacher asks him to think again carefully because everybody needs something.

Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When Obama was re-elected, I remember my dad saying,

'Well, that's the last f*cking thing we needed!'

<lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao>

[Rsquared]

<laughs> <lmao> :laughing4:

[Microgunner]

I'll be re-telling that one.

[unforgiven]

<lmao> <laughs> I love little Johnny jokes. <thumbsup>

[BLKSHEEP]

<lmao> <laughs> <lmao> <thumbsup> <laughs>

[tenringx2]

<lmao> <laughs> <lmao>

[98Z5V]

Walter............

President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have four questions"

First, "Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?"

Second, "Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?"

Third, "Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?"

Fourth, "Why are we lending money to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we?

Oh, that's right: question time..

Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, "Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?"

Second, "What the fcuk happened to Walter?"

[unforgiven]

<lmao> <laughs> Fukin good one,you hooked me good brother. <laughs> <lmao>

[Rsquared]

<lmao>

[392heminut]

<lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao> <lmao>

[MaDuce]

Ted Kennedy, Dianne Feinstein and Barak Obama were flying to a meeting in Air force one when the aircraft was hit by lightning and exploded. The 3 of them found themselves at the gates of hell. Satan met them at the gates and said to them. "Each of you have served me well, so I will bestow upon you my gratitude. For each of you will be forever tormented by a ruthless barbarian. Which one and how will depend upon what kind of wrong doing you are guilt of."

"Lets see." Then he called in Alexander the Great. "Ted Kennedy" Satan said. "You rolled over people with your car, and your countryman's rights with your politics, so Alexander here, the master of the phalanx will run you over for all eternity with his powerful legions."

Then Satan called in Attila the Hun and said, "Dianne Feinstein, you thrashed your country and the lives of your fellow men for your own selfish ambitions, so Attila here will viciously thrash your flesh and bones for his own selfish enjoyment for all eternity."

Then Satan called in Vlad the Impaler and said, "Barak Obama, you screwed your own country in the worst possible way and".... "NOOOOO!!!!" screamed Barak Obama.

[unforgiven]

<lmao> <laughs> Good one brother ,but you figure if he's for same sex marriage he'd be ok with it <lmao> <laughs>

[seasprite]

<lmao> <laughs> Good one brother ,but you figure if he's for same sex marriage he'd be ok with it <lmao> <laughs>

Not when he saw Vlad,s impaler :o <laughs> <lmao>

[MaDuce]

I wrote a book about Vlad the Impaler years ago. Impalement was frequent and generally graphic but there was one instance involving one of the best known cases of impalement where the impalement process was described in detail. Allot of people; including a few people I know who are not soft stomached by any means flipped out reading it. I'll copy and paste it below. I shouldn't have to warn you that this is graphic.

As he walked about, he noticed a man near the condiment table who seemed so frustrated that he was about to burst. He immediately recognized him as one of the more snobby nobles.

"Is their something wrong?" Vladislav asked him.

The man paused and began to slowly raise his head and take a slow, deep breath, as if he were preparing to lash out.

"Isn’t the food good enough for you?" Vladislav asked.

Speaking in a tone indicating disgust and frustration, but trying to conceal it, the man replied, "The food is great, but the air is foul!"

This statement got peoples' attention and an uncomfortable silence fall across those near enough to hear the exchange.

"Well..….then we must make it pure for you....Mmm?" said Vladislav in a cocky sarcastic tone. He immediately called his men to seize him and the entire party came to a halt as nobles gathered around to see what was happening.

Vladislav called to his men, “Send for an impalement team” Upon hearing this, the condemned man began to scream and struggle and the guards responded by beating him. Vladislav continued, “and an extra long stake.” Vladislav called to a servant, “go muster a chaplain so that this man may receive his death rights.” By this time, the condemned man had fainted out of fear and panic.

The impalement team arrived with horses, a wagon and all of the tools necessary for impalement. The man was awakened and lifted to the table. His breeches were cut at the buttocks area.  He began to fervently pray to God to have mercy on his soul.

Then the soldiers moved him to the nearest hole in the ground adjacent to the party, which so happened to be near the noble section of the execution ground. Lining the stake up with the hole, the soldiers then placed the wagon the noble was now shackled to in line with the stake. The executioner then drew a large-bladed knife and plunged it into the man's anal cavity, forcing a series of horrific screams from him. Next, using a stick dipped it in lard, the soldiers lubricated his anal cavity.

Then, backing the blood drenched wagon up a slight bit, the executioner calculated how deep they would insert the stake by the time it realigned with the hole. This was done by sliding the sharpened stake up the man's back. Next, the soldiers tied ropes to notched areas on the lower portion of the stake and then forcibly inserted the stake in to the man's anal cavity, until the bottom of the stake realigned with the hole. Lastly, a rope was tied to a horse and the impalement team guided the stake into position as the horse moved to raise the stake. As the stake rose, the man screamed horrifically and began to hyperventilate, and going numb with shock, soon passed out.

Once he was settled on the stake, a soldier put some dung on a stick and placed it up to his nose, awakening him. When he took the dung away, Vladislav turned to the shocked and speechless crowd and said in a laughing tone, "Well…..he’s above the stench now." He then calmly went and sat down at the head of a banquet table, the terrified Boyars carefully following.

[planeflyer21]

There is a video, floating around on the net somewhere, of a rapist being impaled in Bangladesh...or somewhere thereabouts.

Pretty damn graphic, just as described above.

Jon

[MaDuce]

I dunno man. The video I found is claimed to have happened in Brazil (I have a friend from Brazil and tells me similar treatment of child rapists is common) and looks to me like a mob of angry people apprehended him and basically rammed a board up his rear end.

That has 3 critical differences from the form of impalement Vladislav practiced in Wallachia.

1. Not just in Wallachia but pretty much the entire Balkans at the time made impalement an official form of corporal punishment. That is to say it was practiced in a structured setting, with official methods, a judicial system behind it etc. Vlad the Impaler himself for instance was remarkably insistent about his victims receiving last rights before being handed their punishment, even in the field.

2. The corporal form of impalement used in the Balkans at the time was not lethal by it's self. If you went back in time and pulled one of Vlad's victims down after being up there for a day, you would probably be able to bring them to a full recovery using today's medicine, save for peeing and pooping in a bag. That may sound humane but the exact opposite is true. It was deliberately like that to insure they would suffer as long as possible before death. Victims usually died from exposure to the elements. If their crimes were especially bad, they were (particularly in the case of Vlad) sometimes impaled indoors to even further prolong their death.

* One of the main reasons he was so famous for impalement during his life time isn't so much how many people he impaled, but how well he refined his methods. He was known to have actually used rats to experiment and test refined impalement methods on. In other words, Vladislav wasn't just some guy who rammed tree trunks up people's rear ends in a fit of rage. He was a calculating killer who made a science out of it and knew perhaps better then any other man to ever live how to make the process as painful to the victim and horrifying to the spectators as humanly possible. 15th century Wallach impalement was really a dire threat to the common folk and a delivery of the promise all in one.

That all said, 15th century Wallachia was a cesspool. Most of the finer details I've been able to dig up about 15th century life in Wallachia before and after Vladislav's reign indicate that it was largely a giant "Port Royal" run by mafia with decent folks living almost entirely at the mercy of the local scum. Most of what I could find indicates that honest people in Wallachia regarded Vladislav's reign of terror as the best days of their lives. Punishment was extreme if you messed up but as long as you didn't bother anyone, there was security and prosperity. Dig deep enough and you'll discover that the massive impalement ground outside Tirgoviste wasn't a testament to his cruelty. It was a testament to just how bad things had gotten before he came in to power.

When you guys get a chance, watch this series:

Most of what that series depicts about medieval life in England was also true in 15th century Wallachia and often even worse. That alone will give you a whole new insight in to even the well known stories about Vlad the Impaler you've already heard, let alone the less well known ones you haven't.