Rsquared Posted December 29, 2019 Report Share Posted December 29, 2019 So I figured that all of you guys could use a little chuckle at someone else's expense. I guess that it was my turn in the barrel today. Being out of town in Reno most of the week to see the grandkids (which was great), I was trying just to get back in the normal, boring (hermit-like) routine of life. So? Sunday is laundry day. I'm still off of work for all of next week. But.....since I'm a creature of habit....laundry it is. So I go stumbling down the stairs into the basement, and go to proceed as usual. I spin the dial on the machine to the usual setting, give it a tug and..........nothing. "What the fuk?" instantly spews out of my mouth. So I push the dial back in, thinking that obviously it just didn't know what I wanted it to do the first time. Spin it all the way back around to the proper setting again, and give it another pull. Nothing. "FUK!" now emerges from my inner being along with a slight growl. So I stand there for a moment, then spin around to go check the obvious. I stumble over to the breaker panel to check this $hit out. Hmmm.....nothing tripped. "FUK!" I grabbed a meter off the top of the toolbox and stumble back over to the aforementioned FUKKED washing machine. I pull the plug out of the receptacle and proceed to check it to make sure that power was at the plug. Yep.....120 volts as expected. FUK! I then proceed to yank the guts out of the machine to start tracing the circuits (while the monkey in me is starting to come to the surface in frustration). Long story short at this point. 45 fuking minutes later, I'm standing there scratching my head like the aforementioned monkey staring at fire in amazement.....glance up.....and notice (and remember while noticing it) that I had shut off the water to the machine before leaving for Reno. Why? Because I'm an anal, stupid motherfucker is why. Don't even ask. So I open the valve, plug in the washer, pull the dial and the thing comes to life. Filling itself as it should and then carrying on as normal. FUK! But no. We're not done yet ladies. After getting home from the airport at around 0200 yesterday, I sure as hell didn't feel like going to the grocery store. So around mid-day yesterday I got a little chinese take out. What's not to like? Eat that and figure that I'll have the rest today (on laundry day). I throw the plastic container that held the delectable, delicious General Tso's into the reactor to heat it up. The couple of minutes go by...the reactor goes beep....and I'm thinking I'm just a couple of minutes away from inhaling this stuff down the ol gullet. I go to take it out of the microwave, and the previously fairly firm plastic, of which the container was made of, goes pretty fukin limp in my hand. It does a lovely little spinning dance-like move in my hands as I attempt to regain control of it......and promptly falls to the floor FACE FUKIN DOWN! Oh....but not before some of the generals molten-like sauce (at the approximate temperature of a star going supernova) spills down my hand like napalm (because it's sticky). FFFFUUUUUUUKKKKKKK! It just ain't easy being me sometimes. So there you go ladies. You can now begin with the knee slapping and laughing while pointing at me. As you were. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armed Eye Doc Posted December 29, 2019 Report Share Posted December 29, 2019 I would laugh at you but I have blistered my lip on similar molten lava that was supposed to be food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DNP Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 Hey....I’ll make you feel better. Why, cuz I’m the dumbest motherfukker here. So...a good friend drives his big friggin frontloader up to my place yesterday and spends most of his Saturday helping me push 700 yards of dirt out of that hole I have to dig where the house goes. Yesterday went awesome. We got a lot done. Took him and the other buddy that brought his dozer up out to dinner afterwards. Wanting to make sure I kept those tractors full of fuel, I asked how much that loader burned a day. I already knew what the dozer uses...we’ve used it several times before. He figured he’d burned about 10 gallons. Perfect. My dad has a bunch of red-dye diesel at his place for his generator. I stole 15 gallons this morning and brought it over to my place. Threw 5 in the dozer and my dad climbed up on the loader and popped the cap right behind the cab. I crawled up and loaded 10 gallons in which pretty much topped it off. John showed up a little after and we let him know. Around noon he had to take off. I had another 15 gallons there and he was going to road the tractor back down to his place. “Let me too it off before you go”...cuz that’s the nice folks we are. John walks around to the back and opens up the screen by the radiator. “Fuel goes here....you topped off my hydraulic fluid earlier....” fornicate me. We loaded 10 gallons of diesel into his hydraulic fluid. So Wednesday I’ll be over at his place draining that fukker and throwing few hundred dollars of fresh oil in. Feel better Ron? There are dumber folks out there...its not just you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 So it's not just me 😂 and after a guy at work had a toilet supply line break. Which flooded the house. I will turn off the supply water. During the remodel I put in quarter turn shut offs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted December 30, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 1 hour ago, DNP said: Hey....I’ll make you feel better. Why, cuz I’m the dumbest motherfukker here. So...a good friend drives his big friggin frontloader up to my place yesterday and spends most of his Saturday helping me push 700 yards of dirt out of that hole I have to dig where the house goes. Yesterday went awesome. We got a lot done. Took him and the other buddy that brought his dozer up out to dinner afterwards. Wanting to make sure I kept those tractors full of fuel, I asked how much that loader burned a day. I already knew what the dozer uses...we’ve used it several times before. He figured he’d burned about 10 gallons. Perfect. My dad has a bunch of red-dye diesel at his place for his generator. I stole 15 gallons this morning and brought it over to my place. Threw 5 in the dozer and my dad climbed up on the loader and popped the cap right behind the cab. I crawled up and loaded 10 gallons in which pretty much topped it off. John showed up a little after and we let him know. Around noon he had to take off. I had another 15 gallons there and he was going to road the tractor back down to his place. “Let me too it off before you go”...cuz that’s the nice folks we are. John walks around to the back and opens up the screen by the radiator. “Fuel goes here....you topped off my hydraulic fluid earlier....” fornicate me. We loaded 10 gallons of diesel into his hydraulic fluid. So Wednesday I’ll be over at his place draining that fukker and throwing few hundred dollars of fresh oil in. Feel better Ron? There are dumber folks out there...its not just you. Brother. That makes me laugh too. We all do dumb-assed $hit at times. The best part, is that we can laugh at ourselves for doing such stupid fukin $hit. Oh, by the way. That's some gorgeous area you've got. I can't wait to see how the DNP compound comes together. I'll finally have a reason to venture into California. If you ever need anything my brother, from advanced automation wiring to dirt hauling, I'm there to help out however I can. I'm talented enough to run a screwdriver OR a shovel. Go figure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DNP Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 I might hold you to that. You’re welcome out here anytime. And thank you, from one dumbass to another. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted December 30, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 5 minutes ago, DNP said: I might hold you to that. You’re welcome out here anytime. And thank you, from one dumbass to another. Well, we dumbasses have to stick together in this world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 Holy shiit, this thread is fan-fucking-tastic. I love you guys like you don't even know. However... Ron... YOU, MY FRIEND, ARE MY TOURETTE'S HERO!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted December 30, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 Well....it may just spill out from (FUK YOU $HIT ASS PISS DIK BALLS) time to time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted December 30, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 No pants please............................................................................ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) I wish you looked more like him... It would be even more epic, brother... Edited December 30, 2019 by 98Z5V Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted December 30, 2019 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 Well he is quite handsome. FUK! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
392heminut Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 (edited) I'll throw one out here too, just to make Dirk and Ron feel a little better. So, the cruise control on my Harley kept kicking off and guys riding behind me said my brake light was flickering on and off. Clue! Brake light switch is the problem. Now, the switch in the rear brake is hydraulic activated and pretty much trouble free. The one in the switch housing on the handlebar is a different story though, it's an electrical switch and subject to corrosion from water getting in there from high pressure car washes (Yeah, I'm a lazy fukker and wash the thing at the car wash). The older ones (i.e. my 1977 Electra Glide) were bad about it but as I found out, the newer ones have a much better switch and aren't as much of a problem. Thinking my switch is corroded I get a new switch and figure I can knock this out easily, again, relying on my experience with my old Harley. Mind you, I did this like the day before leaving for our run in Tombstone back in November. I take the housing apart and holy shiit there's a LOT of wires in that little space! The new ones have a LOT more switches in those housings! I had to cut the wires to the old switch and solder the wires together from the new switch (have I said how much I hate soldering little bitty wires?) well, I get it all done and start trying to cram all that crap back into the housing to put it back together with the added bulk of two soldered and shrink tubed connections. When I got to that stage, the tourette's guy had nothing on me! Also, to aggravate the process I discover that one of the brass ferrules that goes on the end of the two throttle cables is missing so now I can't even put it together! I swear, I looked all over the patio for that damn thing and it was nowhere to be found. At that point I said "Fukk it!" and told my wife the bike wasn't going in the toy hauler for the trip to Tombstone. Fast forward 3 weeks later. I've been over to my son's for the weekend and went by Tucson Harley Davidson and picked up two ferrules (buy an extra one just in case!) I start back on putting the bike back together. I get all that crap crammed into the housing and manage to put it all back together, apparently without pinching any damn wires. There is also a second assembly which has the brake lever, front master cylinder and rear view mirror on it to have to juggle in the process. I hook the battery back up and put the seat back on and then fire the bike up. WTF??? The damn brake light is on! At that point I'm thinking I must have pinched some of the damn wiring after all. I then notice that the front brake lever has a lot of slack in it. The plunger in the master cylinder is spring loaded and is not coming out all the way. It is supposed to push the brake lever out and a tab on the brake lever pushes against the switch, turning it off. Y'all see where this is going right? So, I pull the brake lever off and the plunger on the master cylinder looks really gummy and I spray it with WD-40, put the lever back on and work it a couple of times. Problem solved! The goddamned switch was never the problem!!!! To add insult to injury, when I picked up my tools I found that little POS missing ferrule lying on the floor amidst some wrenches! FUK! FUK! FUK! BOB SAGET!!!! Edited December 30, 2019 by 392heminut Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 Hahaha good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DNP Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 I don’t know. That all sounds like a lot of fun. I appreciate the try, but I’m still the dumbest guy here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 Sometimes you have to do something even if it's wrong. Good thing about fukin up is you usually learn from it. Me not so much sometimes but I don't stop 😂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 Dad used to say " learning from a mistake is an education,your tuition will vary" I wonder what this guy learned? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DNP Posted December 30, 2019 Report Share Posted December 30, 2019 There appears to be 3 or f lessons I can spot immediately. “Today was a bad day for flip-flops” is up there on the list. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted December 31, 2019 Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 6 hours ago, Cunuckgaucho said: Dad used to say " learning from a mistake is an education,your tuition will vary" I wonder what this guy learned? And he thought I'm really going to save some money using these guys 😁 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted December 31, 2019 Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 That car-hauler guy is EPIC!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted December 31, 2019 Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 Seem like gravity can be a bitch to more than just you brother Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DNP Posted December 31, 2019 Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 “Wheel chocks are cheap...and the time it takes to place them really isn’t all that bothersome anymore.” “always make sure the pin is in” “At some point I should stop running and start contemplating what I’ve just done” “Gravity is such a bitch” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radioactive Posted December 31, 2019 Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 I’ve always said if you’re going to be dumb you gotta be tough my wife says I’m one of the toughest persons she knows - wonder what she means by that was loading a bike into the back of my truck once and the wife was helping me push it up the ramp we couldn’t get it up without risking tip over and she’s bitching about fire ant so I get pissed off and say get the fuk out of my way - I proceed to ride that heavy pos up the ramp with enough speed to bend the front rail of the bed and collapse the back of the cab popping the rear window out of the channel of my brand new Ford F-250. Fuk fuk fuk mother fukkin fuk. Good news was I didn’t bed the forks and strapping it in was a piece of cake cause the front wheel had a new chock to ride in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DNP Posted December 31, 2019 Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 Oh...that one brings back a painful memory in the desert with @98Z5V Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted December 31, 2019 Report Share Posted December 31, 2019 (edited) Getting parts for the deck I had the railing in wife's van, it was tight for closing the rear of the van. Last little push shut the rear and blew out the front windshield.....so...fukin... close.... Edited December 31, 2019 by unforgiven Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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