Want Kids?

[planeflyer21]

Maybe...maybe not.

 

This is pretty damn accurate.

 

Jon

 

11 Step Program for those thinking of Having Kids: (from a good friend...had to share!)

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

[Rsquared]

<lmao>  <lmao>  <lmao>

 

THAT'S FUNNY!

[edgecrusher]

<lmao>  <lmao>  <lmao>

 

THAT'S FUNNY!

but true!!! I'd give up 500 rds of anyone's ammo choice just to have #3….twins are not that easy

[Rsquared]

I had my two over 20 years ago. And I'm glad I did it at a younger age. Couldn't imagine doing it now in my (mid) forties. And trust me.....I know it's ALL true.

[edgecrusher]

don't forget newborns cry like a wounded baby goat

[Rsquared]

Yeah.....they hit that pitch, that gets you right at the base of the back of the skull. And then.......you want somebody to slap that spot with a louisville slugger just to make the pain go away. <laughs>

[Matt.Cross]

Every word of it is true. Whoever wrote that up is a veteran parent for sure.

[planeflyer21]

don't forget newborns cry like a wounded baby goat

 

Kids have an instinct to wail at the one frequency that wasn't damaged by concerts, gunfire, or machinery.

 

It is amazing how well that part of our hearing still works.

 

Jon

[MONTANA308]

Lol ya just have the one litte girl at the moment. Who will be turning 2 here in a month. At the beginning if some one had told me you can go a whole year with out sleep and still function I would have said BS. Found out you can do it and longer she is finally sleeping the whole night for about a month now.

[DNP]

It kills me to read that. I've said it before, and its the reason we won't have a second....I can relate to maybe 3 sentences out of that whole thing. We have been so damn spoiled by our boy that I know for certain the next kid would destroy us. I almost feel guilty because its been so easy.

{knocking on wood it stays that way}

[Robocop1051]

The only issue I have with my boy, is changing his diaper. I swear it's like trying to wrap a water balloon with a loose knot. If that knot goes before the diaper is done, you are totally fukt!!

[MaDuce]

 I just keep my gun in it's holster. Problem solved.

 

BTW. You may wanna think twice about letting them watch Seseme Street. Given their friendship with Rosey O'Donnel, this should come to you as no surprise. LOL Contains prophanity.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xCbU_11hx8Y

Edited April 9, 2013 by MaDuce

[planeflyer21]

Yup.  Our girl was sleeping 6 hours a night (except feeding twice) right out of the hospital.

 

Everyone said "The second one won't do that."

 

Then there's the time at 4, when for the first time in months I rode in the back of my wife's car, and there was ink-pen drawings all over the passenger side door.  The whole door.  Like the Cistine Chapel.  Didn't yell...asked the wife if she'd seen it.

 

"Seen what?"  All that artwork.  "Oh, that.  Yeah...we had a talk about that, didn't we?"

 

Guilty ass look from the carseat.   <laughs>   <lmao>

 

Jon

 

We have been so damn spoiled by our boy that I know for certain the next kid would destroy us. I almost feel guilty because its been so easy.

[DNP]

Lol, yeah....my guess is he's saving that stuff for later. My wife doesn't see it, but I catch it all the time. Reminds me of Jurassic Park. He's like a little velociraptor constantly testing the fence and just banking that knowledge for when the time is right. One day things are gonna snap and we are going to be dealing with a giant sh!tstorm of stuff we never thought possible.

[planeflyer21]

My buddy lived in Virginia, had a buyer for their house, and they were getting ready to move back out here to AZ.

 

Called him up during the process, asked what he was doing.

 

"Right now I'm confiscating crayons, pens, markers...anything that can leave any sort of mark.  Then I'm going to repaint the fcukin' hallway.  What are you up to?"

 

Jon

[EasyEJL]

Yup.  Our girl was sleeping 6 hours a night (except feeding twice) right out of the hospital.

 

Everyone said "The second one won't do that."

I had the flipside. my first wouldn't sleep past an hour at a time till she was 18 months. that whole first year and a half she'd wake up every hour screaming for 10-15 minutes then go back to sleep. We were so scarred by it that it took till she was 8 before we had another. The second one? slept 6 hours the night she was born. In the hospital the nurse came in and told us we had to wake her up to feed her. We refused :D and she was good for 8 hours a night by the end of the first week. Made me wish we had them closer together

[edgecrusher]

I got two hours last night…. they sleep 3 hours at a time or so, but never together…. that would be too easy…..

[Magwa]

You are looking at this all wrong..... have two boys wait 14 years (just put up with all the stuff inbetween zero and 14, then go elk hunting kill elk and put that meat on their back to pack out and now it is off of your back mission accomplished... :)

[edgecrusher]

You are looking at this all wrong..... have two boys wait 14 years (just put up with all the stuff inbetween zero and 14, then go elk hunting kill elk and put that meat on their back to pack out and now it is off of your back mission accomplished... :)

would totally work, except there is no elk here in Mass, and by the time they grow up the libtards will have even bambi protected.

[MONTANA308]

Ya edge I feel for ya man twins would be tough. Hang in there brother!

[Dane Armory]

All of that is so true !

Then they turn 13...

My girls smelled there asses and they didn't think their poop stunk.

Makes you want to jam sharped pencils in your ears. You favorite word is NO !

[planeflyer21]

would totally work, except there is no elk here in Mass, and by the time they grow up the libtards will have even bambi protected.

 

There is in Kentucky.  Not that far.

 

There is in Arizona.

 

Jon