Armed Eye Doc

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. "Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'' ''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with gorgeous breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

Nice looking pup.

That is too funny.

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.He gives it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral is on Thursday at Noon. The coffin will be closed.

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

An ole' time preacher was getting riled up against John Barleycorn. He was on a roll. He said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd dump it straight in the river. And, if I had all the wine in the world, I'd dump it straight in the river. And, if I had all the booze in the world, I'd dump it straight in the river" He got a big Amen, then asked the song leader to lead the closing song. The song leader shook his head. The Pastor said, "Come on Brother Smith, lead that closing hymn please!" So, Brother Smith got up and said, "Let's all join in singing, 'Shall We Gather At The River.' "

Lol

LOL <laughs>

Nymphomaniac Convention.... A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba....

Try pasting the old fashioned way. Use CTRL+V. It's how we did it before these new fangled mouse things with their clicking.

I agree that it looks like something from the outside eating inward. Hope he gets better soon.

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. She says, "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

:drool: I couldn't help myself.

It looks good. I also like some of the other pictures you have in your photobucket.

A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking. Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help. A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " “No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

That was hilarious. <lmao> Texas Mashinator was no doubt inspired by the scene from Star Wars.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

The Government of Manitoba found about 200 dead crows near Winnipeg last fall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They hired a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. The province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck".

Look out behind!

On January 6th, a group of Albuquerque bikers were riding west on I-40 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Rio Grande Bridge . So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?" She says, "I'm going to commit suicide." While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one. After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A Catholic priest, a Protestant Minster, and a Jewish Rabbi entered into a contest of conversionary power. Each was to go into the woods and attempt to convert a grizzly bear into their faith. The priest went first and entered the woods. He showed up later at the local hospital mauled and with a broken clavicle. He told the minister and the rabbi that the bear became enraged when he sprinkled him with holy water. He wrestled with and was mauled by the bear for quite a while before his prayers of absolution began to work. Then the bear became as gentle as a lamb, and a true Christian. The minister went next. He also showed up later at the local hospital in much worse shape than the priest. A battery of machines attended to his wounds. He described the terrible attack of the bear when he attempted to dunk him in the water in baptism. He thought he was going to die, but after the baptism the bear became docile and converted to the faith. The rabbi went last and a couple hours later he also showed up at the hospital. He was the worst of the three, mauled terribly and attended to by many doctors. To the other two he said, “O.K. Maybe trying to circumcise the bear was not the best idea in town.”

Afternoon sex The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: - 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted. - 'An ambulance just drove by!' - 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out. - 'Matt's riding a new bike!' - 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!' - 'Jason is on his skate board!' - After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!' Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out.. 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Cause Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

An Arab enters a taxi.......... Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........ The Arab leans forward and asks the driver not to drive by the movie theater because at the time of the prophet, there were no movies and the bill boards showed women with their hair and legs uncovered and that certainly wasn’t permitted at the time of the prophet. So the cab driver stops the cab, politely switches off the radio, and opens the back door. The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?” The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a F#$!ing camel.”

Welcome from Texas and thank you for your service.