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Joke of the day


Toolndie7
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'


Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

She says, "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

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Mrs. Jones goes to her gynecologist with a problem.

The Dr asks what's wrong and Mrs Jones says that her husband has been complaining of a strong odor coming from her private area. She tells her Dr that she bent over and took a sniff but couldn't smell anything wrong.

The Dr tells her to get undressed and place her feet into the stirrups.

The examination began. Uh huh, yes, uh huh, uh huh.

Mrs Jones now concerned asks the Dr what's wrong?

Well Mrs Jones, it looks like we'll need to perform surgery.

OH MY! On my vagina?

No, on your nose.

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Nymphomaniac Convention....

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba....

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Nymphomaniac Convention....

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled, and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba....

I literally nearly fell off my wheel loader laughing at this, it's definitely the funniest joke I've heard to date!

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Gun Control

It’s already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad!!

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A truck driver pulls up to a rest stop to grab a quick meal,

 

A big gang of bikers come in after him. They start to screw with the truck driver, throw food on him, etc, trying to start a fight or something. However the trucker doesn't fight back or say anything at all really. Finally he gets up, pays his bill, and leaves.

 

After he is gone the leader of the gang says to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"

 

The waitress takes a look out the window and says "Well he isn't much of a truck driver either, he just ran over seventeen motorcycles!"

Edited by Toolndie7
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The police chief is interviewing applicants for a detective job.

 

The chief says to the three applicants "Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I'm going to give you all a little test. You'll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject's appearance."

 

The chief takes the first applicant into a room and gives him a photo from their mugshot gallery. After five seconds, he says "so what did you notice about the subject?"

 

Applicant #1 thinks for a bit and says "he only had one eye."

 

The chief looks at him in disbelief. "What? No, it's a picture in profile! You can't see the other eye because his head is turned sideways! What an idiot, get out of my station!" He bellows. Applicant #1 flees.

 

The second applicant comes in and the chief gives him the same photo. After five seconds, he barks "time's up, what did you notice about the subject?"

 

Applicant #2 hems and haws and finally says "he only had one ear!"

 

The chief nearly flips the table. "It's a picture in profile, you brainless buffoon! You just can't see the other ear! Get out of my sight!" He roars. Applicant #2 takes off as well.

 

The third applicant enters tentatively. The chief slaps the photo down in front of him, and after five minutes seconds he growls "Tell me anything you noticed about the subject!"

 

Without so much as a pause, applicant #3 says "He was wearing contact lenses."

 

The chief squints at the picture, but for the life of him he can't tell whether the guy is wearing contacts or not. So he goes and checks the records and sure enough, he wore contact lenses!

 

The police chief comes back out beaming and says "you were right! What amazing powers of observation! You're hired, sign here and I'll go get your new badge." So applicant #3 signs his name and the chief soon comes back with the badge. When he does, he shakes #3's hand and says "I'm curious, how could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? I couldn't tell at all!"

 

Applicant #3 smiles and says "Simple logic--he couldn't have worn regular glasses, since he only had one ear and one eye."

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one more....

 

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee...

 

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.

"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.

She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

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An ole' time preacher was getting riled up against John Barleycorn.

He was on a roll. He said,

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd dump it straight in the river.

And, if I had all the wine in the world, I'd dump it straight in the river.

And, if I had all the booze in the world, I'd dump it straight in the river"

He got a big Amen, then asked the song leader to lead the closing song. The song leader shook his head. The Pastor said, "Come on Brother Smith, lead that closing hymn please!"

So, Brother Smith got up and said, "Let's all join in singing, 'Shall We Gather At The River.' "

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A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

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Bob was in BIG trouble after forgetting his wedding anniversary and his wife was seriously pissed!

 

"Tomorrow morning when I go outside there had BETTER be a present in the driveway, that will go from zero to 200 in under six seconds!" she yelled at him.

 

The next morning she got up and there was a small present box, wrapped with a bow sitting in the driveway.  Confused she went out to get it and brought the package inside.  Opening the package she found a brand new bathroom scale!

 

Bob has been missing for a week now.

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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.He gives it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea... it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral is on Thursday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed.

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A wife decides to spice up their boring sex life and buys a sexy outfit to entice her hubby...a see-through negligee, thigh-high stockings, with matching crotchless panties.

 

Hubby gets home from work and finds a trail of flower petals leading up stairs, with a note to follow the trail.  Following the trail, he opens the bedroom door to see his wife lying on the bed.

 

Parting her legs, she says "Well Honey...would you like to come get some of this?"

 

To which he replies...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hell no! LOOK WHAT IT DID TO THOSE PANTIES!!"

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