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Joke of the day


Toolndie7
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Woops !

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to
the bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She
goes berserk and reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting
the blanket many times as hard as she can. She then goes to the kitchen to
have a drink and cry.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let
them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello? "

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An Arab enters a taxi..........
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

The Arab leans forward and asks the driver not to drive by the movie theater because at the time of the prophet, there were no movies and the bill boards showed women with their hair and legs uncovered and that certainly wasn’t permitted at the time of the prophet.

So the cab driver stops the cab, politely switches off the radio, and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get out and wait for a F#$!ing camel.”

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Afternoon sex

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- 'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.
- 'An ambulance just drove by!'

- 'Looks like the Anderson 's have company,' he called out.
- 'Matt's riding a new bike!'

- 'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

- 'Jason is on his skate board!'

- After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!'

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out.. 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Cause Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.'

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A Catholic priest, a Protestant Minster, and a Jewish Rabbi entered into a contest of conversionary power. Each was to go into the woods and attempt to convert a grizzly bear into their faith.

The priest went first and entered the woods. He showed up later at the local hospital mauled and with a broken clavicle. He told the minister and the rabbi that the bear became enraged when he sprinkled him with holy water. He wrestled with and was mauled by the bear for quite a while before his prayers of absolution began to work. Then the bear became as gentle as a lamb, and a true Christian.

The minister went next. He also showed up later at the local hospital in much worse shape than the priest. A battery of machines attended to his wounds. He described the terrible attack of the bear when he attempted to dunk him in the water in baptism. He thought he was going to die, but after the baptism the bear became docile and converted to the faith.

The rabbi went last and a couple hours later he also showed up at the hospital. He was the worst of the three, mauled terribly and attended to by many doctors. To the other two he said, “O.K. Maybe trying to circumcise the bear was not the best idea in town.”

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Okay, so there are these three dogs in the waiting room at the veterinarian, talking about why they are there.

 

First dog says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, everywhere. I do car tires, fire hydrants, I even killed the neighbor's rose bushes with my piss. The last straw was, I pissed on the sofa in the living room."

 

"So, why are you here?" the other dogs asked.

 

"I'm going to be put to sleep," he replied.

 

The other dog had a similar story. "I'm a digger," he said. "I dug up the front yard, and the back yard, and the neighbor's petunias. The last straw was when I dug up my mistresses' entire vegetable garden."

 

"So, why are you here?" the other dogs asked.

 

"I'm going to be put to sleep," he replied.

 

The third dog also had a story. "I'm a humper," he said. "I hump everything, everywhere. I hump dogs, of course. I humped all 12 cats in our house. I humped a goose one afternoon that happened to fly in from Canada. The last straw was when my mistress came out of the shower. She leaned over the towel rack and I humped her."

 

"So, why are you here?" the other dogs asked.

 

"I'm going to get my toenails clipped," he said.

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Okay, so there are these three dogs in the waiting room at the veterinarian, talking about why they are there.

 

First dog says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything, everywhere. I do car tires, fire hydrants, I even killed the neighbor's rose bushes with my piss. The last straw was, I pissed on the sofa in the living room."

 

"So, why are you here?" the other dogs asked.

 

"I'm going to be put to sleep," he replied.

 

The other dog had a similar story. "I'm a digger," he said. "I dug up the front yard, and the back yard, and the neighbor's petunias. The last straw was when I dug up my mistresses' entire vegetable garden."

 

"So, why are you here?" the other dogs asked.

 

"I'm going to be put to sleep," he replied.

 

The third dog also had a story. "I'm a humper," he said. "I hump everything, everywhere. I hump dogs, of course. I humped all 12 cats in our house. I humped a goose one afternoon that happened to fly in from Canada. The last straw was when my mistress came out of the shower. She leaned over the towel rack and I humped her."

 

"So, why are you here?" the other dogs asked.

 

"I'm going to get my toenails clipped," he said.

 

 

ROFLMAO

 

That's hilarious!

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On January 6th, a group of Albuquerque bikers were riding west on I-40 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Rio Grande Bridge .
So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

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The Government of Manitoba found about 200 dead crows near Winnipeg
last fall, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They hired a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he
confirmed the test results showed it was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to
everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with
trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine why
there was a disproportionate percentage for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.

He concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out
Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His study results and conclusion was that the lookout crow could warn the
other crows by saying "Cah", but the crow could not say "Truck".

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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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A man walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy started choking, going blue in the face. The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him on the back. The boy coughed up 2 of the nickels, but kept choking.

Looking at his son, the father panicked and shouted for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit was sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and walked back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son had suffered no ill effects, the father rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

“No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

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