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Joke of the day


Toolndie7
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An elderly couple in their 80s and well settled in routine, were watching an infomercial one day about the new little blue pills.

 

The husband gets up and starts getting ready to head out.  The wife asks "Where are you going?"  Hubby says "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills!"

 

So the wife gets up, grabs her purse and shawl, and starts heading for the door.  The husband asks "Now where do you think you're going?"

 

And she says...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"If you're going to start using that rusty ol' nail I'm getting a tetanus shot!"

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An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
 

"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''

''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with gorgeous breasts like yours,
she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

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2,700 Pages of Obama Care in 4 Sentences
 
1. In order to insure the uninsured, we first have to un-insure the insured.
 
2. Next, we require the newly un-insured to be re-insured.
 
3. To re-insure the newly un-insured, they are required to pay extra charges to be re-insured.
 
4. The extra charges are required so that the original insured, who became un-insured, and then
became re-insured, can pay enough extra so that the original un-insured can be insured, free of charge to them.
 

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RECTUM STRETCHER

As she was 'flying' down the road, a woman passed over a  bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in-wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic  patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered,'A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said,
'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up  to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I  work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly  but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet  wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot center of uranus?', he asked.
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..'

Traffic Ticket                                    $95.00
Court Costs                                        $45.00
Look on the Cop's face............          Priceless
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

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A woman had been in a coma for months. Nurses were giving her a bath and discovered that when washing her private parts there was a slight response on the monitor.

They explained this to her husband and said "as crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex would bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical but they assured him they would pull the curtains and there would be total privacy.

A few minutes passed and then the monitor flat-lined,no pulse no heartbeat. The nurses rushed in and said "what happened?"

The husband replied "I think she choked"

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On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.  Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!  People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-called the woman and asked how things were going.  She told him the saga of the rotting house.  He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth .... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

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A guy I worked with put some Chinese food under my seat after a week I really was pissed when I found it so I took the bag and laid it in the sun for 2 more weeks then put it in his wife's minivan he drove to work that day she found it a few days later and boy was she pissed at him when the bag fell apart in the back seat hahaha!!! Sweat revenge :)

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