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Toolndie7

Joke of the day

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money sitting on the counter. Curious, he asks the bartender about it. The man replies, "It's a contest we have. Put $20 in the jar, chug a bottle of tequila without puking, then go into the next room and pull the bad tooth from the vicious rottweiler, then go upstairs and fornicate the 105 year old woman. If you can do all those things within an hour you get to keep all the money in the jar." The man thinks about it for a minute and guesses there must be at least $1000 in the jar, so he says "fornicate it" and puts in his $20. He chugs the tequila within 20 minutes and stumbles drunkenly into the room with the dog. Screaming, snarling, whimpering, barking, and other horrible noises can be heard from the room. The man stumbles back out, bloodied and with his clothes in tatters, and says, "Alright, now where's that woman with the bad tooth?"

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An elderly couple just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

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A duck waddles into a Convenient store the clerk looks at the duck and the duck mudders got any gwapes?? Whaaat the fook get out of my store you duck!!

The next day the duck waddles back in to the same store... Got any gwapes?

The clerk whaaat the fook get out of my store or ill staple your feet to the floor!!! (Wielding a stapler)

Then again the duck waddles to the same store the same clerk and mudders got any staples?

The clerk whaaat the fook no I got no dam staples!!! GTFO!!! The duck mudders got any gwapes???

An old salty fisherman strolled in to the local pub on the docks

The bartender notices a bearded weathered old man struggling in from the door and on his belt is a full size ships wheel.

The old man leans on the bar with a sigh

The tender approaches and hesitantly asks what can I get you Captian?

Arg poor me a beer!

Hmm alright but before I do what do you have that wheel there for??

Eii you buy me my beer and ill tell ya.

Well the tender had seen many strange things on the docks so he obliged the old sailor.

The sailor chuges his beer wipes his beard. The tender is thinking he just got duped..

Well what's that wheel all about??

The sailor replys Arg she drives me nuts!!!

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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,

'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD. WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW
DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS
FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME,
DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH
SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE
SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH
THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD
ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH
PRIDE.

"WHEN DID Y OU GRADUATE?" I ASK ED.

HE ANSWERED "IN 1959.WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD,
WRINKLED, FAT ASS, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED

"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

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<lmao>  <laughs>  You know Doc I do look at others in my age bracket and say "fuk I don't want to be that guy" but I guess I am. :eek:

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    You know Doc I do look at others in my age bracket and say "fuk I don't want to be that guy" but I guess I am. :eek:

I see lots of people that I think "there's no way we're the same age." Some look better but most look a lot older. <laughs>

Edited by Armed Eye Doc

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Most of the people my age evoke one of two thoughts usually:

 

Dang! Am I that out of shape?

 

or

 

Whew! Glad I never got involved with meth!

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The Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

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Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in
the school yard. Each was bragging about how
great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest.
He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he
gets there before the arrow!"

The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My
father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there
before the bullet!"

Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and
shook his head. He then said: "You two know
nothing about fast. My father works for the government.
He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"

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OK, the last one didn't get a reaction. Let's try this one.

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first woman.

"How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

The woman explains, "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer in the basement, we'd both still be alive!!!"

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A call to the Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

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Jiggy

A young lad from Sydney, Nova Scotia goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Antigonish that could teach our dog "Jiggy" how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says 'How do I get Jiggy in that program?'

'Just send him in here with $1200,' the young lad says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog "Jiggy"and $1200.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The young lad calls home.

'So how's Jiggy doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read..'

'Read?!' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get our Jiggy in that program?'

'Just send $2300. I'll get him in the class for sure.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's my Jiggy? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the young lad says, 'I have some grim news.

Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Jiggy was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Cape Breton Post. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead working in the bakery at the grocery store?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer, and later on, he became a politician.

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