Joke of the day

[sketch]

🤪🍻

[unforgiven]

Hahaha good one bro

[mrmackc]

“A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress.

“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

 

[Cunuckgaucho]

 When the Gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers

 

[98Z5V]

5 hours ago, Cunuckgaucho said:

 When the Gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers

 

There's gotta be a way to bang that Ostrich...  

[Cunuckgaucho]

6 hours ago, 98Z5V said:

There's gotta be a way to bang that Ostrich...  

You must be a leg man...

[Belt Fed]

That was a good one.

[mrmackc]

He grew up big 6 2" strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He
could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he
finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
working: The West Texas Sheriffs Department. After a series of tests
and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office
for the young mans last interview. 

The Chief Deputy said, "Youre a big strong kid and you can really
shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what
you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take
before you can be accepted. We just dont let anyone carry our badge,
son." 

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the
Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: Six Illegal
Aliens, Six Lawyers, Six meth dealers, Six Muslim Extremists, Six
Democrats, and a rabbit." 

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant. 

"You passed," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?" 

I LOVE TEXAS! 

 

[98Z5V]

  That's a damn good one, Mack!!!

[Cunuckgaucho]

Edited August 31, 2019 by Cunuckgaucho

[mrmackc]

[98Z5V]

[suzukiray]

JUST FRED - Humor An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[suzukiray]

[suzukiray]

[mrmackc]

 

Edited September 17, 2019 by mrmackc

[suzukiray]

7 minutes ago, mrmackc said:

 

This one is TRUE!!! Sad but true.

[98Z5V]

3 hours ago, suzukiray said:

I actually thought about trying this, briefly, about a year ago.  Self preservation made me think twice about it, but I thought, for a split-second that I could take this guy home, and keep his big ass - because he wasn't gonna get me with that bird in his mouth.    I got close enough for better pics, and it stayed at that.  My dumbass Inner Me was saying "GRAB THAT FUCKER NOW!" but I hesitated, for my own health.  This was a healthy snake...

[suzukiray]

10 hours ago, 98Z5V said:

I actually thought about trying this, briefly, about a year ago.  Self preservation made me think twice about it, but I thought, for a split-second that I could take this guy home, and keep his big ass - because he wasn't gonna get me with that bird in his mouth.    I got close enough for better pics, and it stayed at that.  My dumbass Inner Me was saying "GRAB THAT FUCKER NOW!" but I hesitated, for my own health.  This was a healthy snake...

They DON'T make good pets!!!!

[98Z5V]

Ironically, today at work.  This guy was obviously in the wrong neighborhood.

[Armed Eye Doc]

4 minutes ago, 98Z5V said:

Ironically, today at work.  This guy was obviously in the wrong neighborhood.

Did he taste like chicken?

[suzukiray]

Nice hat band there too!!!!

[shepp]

@98Z5V this is where the “but it’s a dry heat” come from 

[Sisco]

A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees two women at the other end of the bar, so he sends the bartender down with a couple of drinks. They smile and wave him down. It turns out they are Siamese Twins joined at the hip. A couple more drinks and one thing leads to another; “ Why don’t we head back to my place” he said. “ Oh we live right around the corner, lets just go there” one of the Twins said. So they get to their place, one thing leads to another and they end up in the bedroom. As the guy starts having sex with one of the twins, the other pulls out a harmonica and starts playing incredible blues harmonica. An hour or so later he decides to have sex with the harmonica player. They are going at it and the first Siamese Twin grabs a trumpet off the bedside stand and starts playing really great jazz music. 

The next morning the guy leaves. A month or so later, the Twins are going past the same bar, and one says “ That guy was fun, maybe we should go in and see if he is around.”  The other Twin looks at her and says;”Do you think he would remember us?”

[suzukiray]

Ammo is getting scarce! This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"