Belt Fed Posted July 2, 2019 Report Posted July 2, 2019 A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!” - A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”
Belt Fed Posted July 2, 2019 Report Posted July 2, 2019 Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you stupid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “omg is that a real gun?”
Belt Fed Posted July 2, 2019 Report Posted July 2, 2019 Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them? You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”
Belt Fed Posted July 2, 2019 Report Posted July 2, 2019 Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument. I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.
Belt Fed Posted July 2, 2019 Report Posted July 2, 2019 Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar. I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art. He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!” “No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“
Belt Fed Posted July 2, 2019 Report Posted July 2, 2019 My step mother came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off. So I took off her blouse. She said, “Now off with the skirt.” I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.” And when I did that, she said, “Now the bra and the panties.” I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me catch you wearing my stuff again!”
suzukiray Posted July 3, 2019 Report Posted July 3, 2019 Loved him! Foster Brooks was always funny on the Dean Martin Roasts too!!!
dpete Posted July 7, 2019 Report Posted July 7, 2019 Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. Madame: What can we do for you? Tyrion: I need a woman to lay with, for mine has left me. Madame: Whatever for? And what's with the honeycomb and the mule? Tyrion: My woman found a genie in a bottle, and he granted her three wishes. The first was for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this damn honeycomb. The second wish was that she have the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this damn donkey... Madame: And what about the third wish? Tyrion: Well... she asked the genie to make my cock hang down past my knee. Madame: Well that one's not so bad eh? Tyrion: Not so bad!? I used to be six foot three!
98Z5V Posted July 7, 2019 Report Posted July 7, 2019 4 hours ago, dpete said: Tyrion walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass... I got so excited when I read this line!!!
Belt Fed Posted July 21, 2019 Report Posted July 21, 2019 Black Panties Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't got out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the real world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies: "Mum, I have someone I want you to meet. Well, it was an immediate hit. They talked to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood, nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he is in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties? She replies: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting anything that night... The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks: "What's with this black condom?" He replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences”
mrmackc Posted July 31, 2019 Report Posted July 31, 2019 Bob was sitting on the plane,waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck; pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear. "What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?" "No. I've been transferred to Detroit. I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation." Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it." The guy relaxed and stopped shaking, and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?" "I'm tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
392heminut Posted July 31, 2019 Report Posted July 31, 2019 51 minutes ago, mrmackc said: "I'm tail gunner on a Budweiser truck." Good one mrmackc!
98Z5V Posted August 3, 2019 Report Posted August 3, 2019 3 hours ago, Cunuckgaucho said: And Tequila accelerates all of that...
98Z5V Posted August 3, 2019 Report Posted August 3, 2019 (edited) It's "Wild Jungle Monkey Sex," or "Someone's gettin' the SHIIT beat out of them!!!" There are rare times when it's the combination of BOTH... When it's THAT.... That's WAY BETTER than trying to ride a live bull... (Not that gay mechanical bull bullshiit, either... HORNS, fuckin' BALLS all tied up - pissed off beef...) Edited August 3, 2019 by 98Z5V
unforgiven Posted August 4, 2019 Report Posted August 4, 2019 I see these behemoths in those tight as tights and I want to hurl..
Armed Eye Doc Posted August 6, 2019 Report Posted August 6, 2019 The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money,do they have golf courses, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..'
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