suzukiray Posted October 29, 2019 Report Share Posted October 29, 2019 Three Women Get Married There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counsellor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well the counsellor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counsellor if you keep a good record. He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them. He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going. They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well the counsellor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby. He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby. He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. .Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is.Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you. She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sisco Posted October 31, 2019 Report Share Posted October 31, 2019 ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmackc Posted October 31, 2019 Report Share Posted October 31, 2019 2 hours ago, Sisco said: ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. So Sad, but so true..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharpshooter Posted October 31, 2019 Report Share Posted October 31, 2019 A police officer was on the stand, being questioned by the defense attorney. Attorney: You asked my client for his name, correct? Officer: Yes. Attorney: Then you asked him for his identification, correct? Officer: Yes. Attorney: Since he had already told you his name, why did you ask for his identification? Officer: If I told you I was Napoleon Bonaparte, would you believe me? This actually happened, back in the 70s. I was there, and the judge broke out laughing. I'm not sure the defense attorney ever got over that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted November 1, 2019 Report Share Posted November 1, 2019 10 hours ago, Sisco said: ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! That whole thing was EPIC!!! But, watch your ass, Doc... @Armed Eye Doc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armed Eye Doc Posted November 1, 2019 Report Share Posted November 1, 2019 31 minutes ago, 98Z5V said: That whole thing was EPIC!!! But, watch your ass, Doc... @Armed Eye Doc I don't know anyone named Cathy that I have to worry about. Plus, we will be hitting 30 years on the 11th next month. I haven't had to try to remember any other names at that time of the morning in a looooooong time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted November 1, 2019 Report Share Posted November 1, 2019 3 minutes ago, Armed Eye Doc said: Plus, we will be hitting 30 years on the 11th next month. That is FANTASTIC!!! Congrats to you two!!! I'd be a few years away from 30 right now, if I stayed with that first one. NO WAY was that happening, though... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armed Eye Doc Posted November 1, 2019 Report Share Posted November 1, 2019 1 minute ago, 98Z5V said: That is FANTASTIC!!! Congrats to you two!!! I'd be a few years away from 30 right now, if I stayed with that first one. NO WAY was that happening, though... You would probably be dead or in jail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted November 1, 2019 Report Share Posted November 1, 2019 Just now, 98Z5V said: That is FANTASTIC!!! Congrats to you two!!! I'd be a few years away from 30 right now, if I stayed with that first one. NO WAY was that happening, though... Reminds me of the joke about the wife waking up just before midnight and hears her husband down stairs in the kitchen. Going down stairs, she enters the kitchen to hear him mutter 25 years over and over while drinking whiskey. How sweet she thinks to herself "he's remembered our anniversary" Coming closer she hears him say " If instead agreeing to the shotgun wedding, I'd only got 25 years for shooting your Pa and would now be a free man" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JF89 Posted November 1, 2019 Report Share Posted November 1, 2019 14 hours ago, Armed Eye Doc said: I don't know anyone named Cathy that I have to worry about. Plus, we will be hitting 30 years on the 11th next month. I haven't had to try to remember any other names at that time of the morning in a looooooong time. Damn, youve been married as long as ive been alive. I have been engaged to my woman a few years, its really just a way for me to stall. I feel like the noose is tightening though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted November 4, 2019 Report Share Posted November 4, 2019 On 10/31/2019 at 9:52 PM, Armed Eye Doc said: I don't know anyone named Cathy that I have to worry about. Plus, we will be hitting 30 years on the 11th next month. I haven't had to try to remember any other names at that time of the morning in a looooooong time. Funny thing. My old lady's name is Cathy. And technically, we've been married for 34 years now (come December). We separated back in 98, but never got divorced. Nowadays, we get along better than we ever have. Sometimes, life is weird in a comical type of way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted November 4, 2019 Report Share Posted November 4, 2019 A CNN REPORTER WALKS INTO A NEIGHBORHOOD TAVERN AND IS ABOUT TO ORDER A DRINK WHEN HE SEES A GUY AT THE END OF THE BAR WEARING A "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" HAT. IT DIDN'T TAKE AN EINSTEIN TO KNOW THE GUY WAS A DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTER. THE CNN GUY SHOUTS OVER TO THE BARTENDER, LOUDLY ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE IN THE BAR COULD HEAR, "DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN HERE, BARTENDER, EXCEPT FOR THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER." AFTER THE DRINKS WERE HANDED OUT THE TRUMP GUY GIVES THE CNN GUY A BIG SMILE, WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS, IN AN EQUALLY LOUD VOICE, "THANK YOU!" THIS INFURIATES THE CNN REPORTER. SO HE ONCE AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE GUY WEARING THE TRUMP HAT. AS BEFORE, THIS DOESN'T SEEM TO BOTHER THE TRUMP GUY. HE JUST CONTINUES TO SMILE AND AGAIN YELLS, "THANK YOU!" SO THE CNN GUY AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE TRUMP GUY. AND AGAIN THE TRUMP GUY JUST SMILES AND YELLS BACK, "THANK YOU!" AT THAT POINT THE AGGRAVATED CNN REPORTER ASKS THE BARTENDER, "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER? I'VE ORDERED THREE ROUNDS OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN THE BAR BUT HIM AND ALL THE SILLY ASS DOES IS SMILE AND THANK ME. IS HE NUTS?" "NOPE," REPLIES THE BARTENDER. "HE OWNS THE PLACE." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 5, 2019 Report Share Posted November 5, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 5, 2019 Report Share Posted November 5, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 5, 2019 Report Share Posted November 5, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 9, 2019 Report Share Posted November 9, 2019 The spoon. A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very Impressive! Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, " Steve's Place, " and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had thesame string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'O h, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom , by tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 9, 2019 Report Share Posted November 9, 2019 BIOLOGY EXAM: This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula for the child. 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa. 6) It is always available as needed. And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote: 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A+. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted November 9, 2019 Report Share Posted November 9, 2019 Hahaha that's some funny $hit brother 👍 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 11, 2019 Report Share Posted November 11, 2019 Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada, and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country. The history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson beer, that's us, eh Jim? "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to fooking drive." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 12, 2019 Report Share Posted November 12, 2019 Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up". Sure, they said, you’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" I’m a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!” was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Remington sniper rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here". So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom". "I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked, too!" He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" “Sure, what do you want?” "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot him in the crotch to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly. "I think I can save you a grand here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radioactive Posted November 14, 2019 Report Share Posted November 14, 2019 Blind guy walks into a bar and orders a beer he then asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke the bar tender says I’m blonde and a body builder the gal playing pool behind you is a bad ass blonde biker chick and the lady sitting at the end of the bar is a black belt and she’s blonde now you still want to tell that joke blind guy says well not if I’m going to have to explain it 3 times Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 23, 2019 Report Share Posted November 23, 2019 Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens dere." Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow over dere in Visconsin, yah?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know dat?" Sven says, "My vife is from Visconsin!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 24, 2019 Report Share Posted November 24, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted November 25, 2019 Report Share Posted November 25, 2019 The FBI Was Hiring ...... The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door, handed him a gun and said, ''We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'' The man said, ''You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'' The agent said, ''Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, " I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'' The agent said, ''You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. ''This gun is loaded with blanks,'' she said. ''I had to kill him with the chair.'' 😳😁😆 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted November 25, 2019 Report Share Posted November 25, 2019 On 11/23/2019 at 1:34 AM, suzukiray said: Ole and Sven are neighbors in Minnesota. Ole is in need of a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over the border in Wisconsin. He drives over to Wisconsin, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, and reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow anyway and take it home. He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Come here and look at dis new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens dere." Sven reaches under and pulls; the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow over dere in Visconsin, yah?" Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right, how did you know dat?" Sven says, "My vife is from Visconsin!" I knew a girl like that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.