Joke of the day

Belt Fed · June 21, 2020

2 hours ago, shooterrex said:

Ohhhhh, it goes all the way to his armpit.

Radioactive · June 21, 2020

4 hours ago, shooterrex said:

Nailed it!

98Z5V · June 21, 2020

14 hours ago, shooterrex said:

This one is absolutely perfect. :thumbup: :hail:

Sharpshooter · June 22, 2020

No shiit! :popcorn:

Belt Fed · July 6, 2020

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. It’s a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

SANCTIMOMMY: I’m unfollowing you because you are a chicken bully.

Sharpshooter · July 7, 2020

Indeed, there are many reasons why chickens attempt road crossings! We can only hope that a representative of all the chickens will appear to help us figure this phenomena out! Foghorn Leghorn? Are you available?

mrmackc · July 7, 2020

Cluck, cluck,CLuCK, ERRR--KA--ERRK-KADO,cluck, Ka-dooo! CLUCK, Peeep,Peep,Cluck!!

suzukiray · July 16, 2020

An old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.” The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.” The old lady then asked, “Why?” The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.” She then returned the card to the old lady. The old lady remained silent… but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?” The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?” The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000” The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account. The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully. The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account. Don't be difficult with old people... we can outwit the young and dumb..

Sharpshooter · July 17, 2020

Yeah, but I don't think I'd have allowed that airhead (the teller) to keep my money in there. I'd have had it transferred to another bank. (If the old lady has that much in the bank, it's not likely the only bank she does business with!)

DNP · July 17, 2020

I’d have made her count it out twice first.

98Z5V · July 17, 2020

On 7/7/2020 at 7:44 AM, mrmackc said:

Cluck, cluck,CLuCK, ERRR--KA--ERRK-KADO,cluck, Ka-dooo! CLUCK, Peeep,Peep,Cluck!!

You get your ass stuck in the Mexican Fire Water, Mack?...

mrmackc · July 17, 2020

7 hours ago, 98Z5V said:

You get your ass stuck in the Mexican Fire Water, Mack?...

That was what my chicken said about crossing the road, you don't understand Texas rooster talk?

RedRiverII · July 17, 2020

@suzukiray Very very cool story. Thanks. I cannot for the life of me believe the witless folks that pass for customer service these days. I won't go into the story but I had a CS rep in front of me in Publix. I had to look into the dude's eyes for a sign of life. None, a zombie boy.

Armed Eye Doc · July 17, 2020

4 hours ago, mrmackc said:

That was what my chicken said about crossing the road, you don't understand Texas rooster talk?

For none Texans, that translates to:

mrmackc · July 17, 2020

...and Isn't this Taco Tuesday?

Armed Eye Doc · July 24, 2020

Elderly golfer

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER.................$2.50
HAMBURGER...............$3.50
CHEESEBURGER.........$4.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH..$4.75
HAND JOB................$150.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the Elderly Golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am. I give the best hand jobs around.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Armed Eye Doc · July 24, 2020

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Jimmy’s whore."

98Z5V · July 24, 2020

:lmao: :laffs: Sarah has PLANS!!! :banana:

sketch · July 25, 2020

she is a whore.

Radioactive · July 25, 2020

Smart girl - already picked her sugar daddy

Cunuckgaucho · July 26, 2020

19 hours ago, sketch said:

she is a whore.

Aren't most of us?just our bodies get fornicated in different ways.

mrmackc · August 2, 2020

From my 95 year old CUZ in Houston:....

Handicapped Parking

Today I had to go to the mall. As I approached the entrance,

I noticed a driver looking for a parking space. I flagged the

driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was

open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said,

"I'm not handicapped!"

Well, as you can imagine, my face was red! "Oh, I'm sorry,"

I said. "I saw your Joe Biden bumper sticker, and I just assumed

that you suffered from some sort of mental disorder."

She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me.

Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them out! 🤨🙄

Edited August 2, 2020 by mrmackc

shooterrex · August 14, 2020

shooterrex · August 14, 2020

Cunuckgaucho · September 14, 2020

Prime Minister Trudeau was visiting a primary school in Calgary and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Trudeau if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trudeau , "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trudeau. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trudeau , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your dumb ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"