Joke of the day

[392heminut]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon from New York says "I like accountants. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 

The second surgeon from Chicago responds. "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color coded."

 

The third surgeon from Dallas says, "I really think librarians are best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

 

The fourth surgeon from Los Angeles chimes in "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

 

But the fifth surgeon from Washington DC shut them all up when he observed. "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

[392heminut]

THE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL

 

WHEN STUDENTS TOOK THE ENTRANCE EXAM FOR MEDICAL SCHOOL, THEY WERE PERPLEXED BY THIS QUESTION:

 

"REARRANGE THE LETTERS P-N-E-S-I TO SPELL OUT THE PART OF THE HUMAN BODY THAT IS MOST USEFUL WHEN ERECT."

 

THOSE WHO SPELLED SPINE BECAME DOCTORS.

 

THE REST ARE IN CONGRESS.

 

 

 

[mrmackc]

[unforgiven]

[sketch]

[392heminut]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana  when suddenly a brand-new 2018 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 
   
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"   
   
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.   
 
The young man then opens the digital photo  in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany      ...   
  
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then  accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.   
    
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the  cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."   
   
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.   
  
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.   

 
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I  can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"   
     
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"   
  
"You're a Congressman for the  U.S. Government", says Bud.   
 
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"   
 
 "No  guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a  question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know sh*t about  how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a  herd of sheep.”   
  
“Now give me back my dog.”   
     
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS AND

THEY ARE SITTING ON BOTH SIDES OF THE ISLE.

[unforgiven]

Sad but true, brother.

[98Z5V]

Fuckin' TRUE!!!  

[sketch]

spot on! pun intended?

[Cunuckgaucho]

Seems your politicians are the the same as what we have here in Canada...

[Sisco]

Good one a classic already

[Rsquared]

That's perfect Larry.

[unforgiven]

On ‎3‎/‎25‎/‎2018 at 9:17 PM, Cunuckgaucho said:

Seems your politicians are the the same as what we have here in Canada...

Seems like they are all cut from the same cloth brother.

[Cunuckgaucho]

28 minutes ago, unforgiven said:

Seems like they are all cut from the same cloth brother.

 Spawned from the same septic tank...

[Cunuckgaucho]

[Cunuckgaucho]

[dpete]

The teacher in a Catholic grade school was just beginning her second grade religion class.  She asked the students what part of the body they thought went to heaven first when we died?

Little Bobby raised his hand and shouted "I know, I know".

"OK Bobby tell us", the teacher said.

"Your hand goes to heaven first, because when you raise it, it is closest to heaven!"

The teacher looked at Bobby, smiled and said, "Thats pretty good thinking Bobby, does anyone else have a guess?"

Little Suzie raised her hand, thought a minute and said, "I think your head goes to heaven first because when you walk down the street your head is closest heaven."

The teacher praised Suzie for coming up with another good guess.

Then little Johnnie raised his hand as high as he could and waved it as he yelled "me!  me!  me!"

The teacher looked over at Johnnie, scowled at his boisterous antics and finally relented and called on him.

"I think your feet go to heaven first!"

"Why your feet?"  The teacher asked Johnnie with a confused look on her face.

Johnnie puffed out his little chest, and with an all knowing look on his face faced the teacher and said: 

"This past Saturday morning when I got up to watch cartoons there were noises coming from Mommy and Daddies room.  I peeked inside and Mommy was laying in bed on her back and Daddy was trying to hold her down."

""All I could do was watch, and then she started screaming, "OH GOD YES, I'M COMING, I'M COMING!"

[98Z5V]

[Armed Eye Doc]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?".
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

[GoodByNAair]

^^^^^  LMAO   ^^^^^

also funny, has 15k to burn for a face lift but takes the bus?

priorities..

Edited April 8, 2018 by GoodByNAair

[unforgiven]

Every guy I knew that had an ol'lady wanting a set of tit's, she left them shortly after. 

[Armed Eye Doc]

For the members with more life experience.

 

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!”

“Ah, that’s nothin’,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re seventy, you can’t even crap anymore.
You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!”

“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.

“No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at
all.”

“Do you have trouble crapping?”

“No, I crap every morning at 6:30.”

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, “Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”

[98Z5V]

HAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!

[unforgiven]

I go take a leak now and have to worry about getting my balls wet.

[Armed Eye Doc]

1 hour ago, unforgiven said:

I go take a leak now and have to worry about getting my balls wet.

That reminds me of the 80 year old man who went to his doctor and asked for a prescription for Viagra.  The doctor was impressed and said he would write the Rx.  

The old man said he would like it to be in 1/8 dose.  Now the doctor was curious and asked why he wanted such a small dose since it wouldn't work as intended.

The old man replied that he wasn't having sex.  He just wanted to stiffen it enough so he could stop peeing on his shoes.