mrmackc Posted September 21, 2019 Report Share Posted September 21, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmackc Posted September 21, 2019 Report Share Posted September 21, 2019 On 9/19/2019 at 4:42 PM, suzukiray said: Ammo is getting scarce! This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo. I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belt Fed Posted September 25, 2019 Report Share Posted September 25, 2019 The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?" "You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted September 26, 2019 Report Share Posted September 26, 2019 My fav Lone Ranger/Tonto jokes is... The Lone Ranger and Tonto are pinned down,surrounded and running low on ammo when the Lone Ranger turns to Tonto " It's been a good run but I think this time we're really in trouble" to which Tonto replies " what's this we poop white man" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenworks Posted September 26, 2019 Report Share Posted September 26, 2019 Classic Ray Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted September 26, 2019 Report Share Posted September 26, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted September 26, 2019 Report Share Posted September 26, 2019 HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!! HELL YES!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted September 28, 2019 Report Share Posted September 28, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted September 28, 2019 Report Share Posted September 28, 2019 ^^^ I concur, 100% and then some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted September 29, 2019 Report Share Posted September 29, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sisco Posted October 2, 2019 Report Share Posted October 2, 2019 "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads..." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted October 3, 2019 Report Share Posted October 3, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Belt Fed Posted October 4, 2019 Report Share Posted October 4, 2019 I sure miss these guys, when Carson retired I stopped watching. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikedaddyH Posted October 6, 2019 Report Share Posted October 6, 2019 Punch line to any one of many your momma jokes ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikedaddyH Posted October 6, 2019 Report Share Posted October 6, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted October 23, 2019 Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. The moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cunuckgaucho Posted October 23, 2019 Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 Newest most popular Canadian gun nut vacation spot. https://www.google.ca/maps/place/Iosegun+Lake+Lodge/@54.4521585,-116.7919528,12z/data=!4m8!3m7!1s0x5399656768e09b25:0x3c6d756cbba200df!5m2!4m1!1i2!8m2!3d54.4225693!4d-116.7835307 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
suzukiray Posted October 23, 2019 Report Share Posted October 23, 2019 2 hours ago, Cunuckgaucho said: Newest most popular Canadian gun nut vacation spot. https://www.google.ca/maps/place/Iosegun+Lake+Lodge/@54.4521585,-116.7919528,12z/data=!4m8!3m7!1s0x5399656768e09b25:0x3c6d756cbba200df!5m2!4m1!1i2!8m2!3d54.4225693!4d-116.7835307 Sounds like the one here in Commiefornia!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sisco Posted October 26, 2019 Report Share Posted October 26, 2019 After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart: Dear Mrs. ________ Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
392heminut Posted October 26, 2019 Report Share Posted October 26, 2019 51 minutes ago, Sisco said: After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart: Dear Mrs. ________ Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. I read all this to my wife. Her response was "I don't care what you do, you're still going with me!" Dammit!😣 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted October 27, 2019 Report Share Posted October 27, 2019 Hahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted October 27, 2019 Report Share Posted October 27, 2019 That was pretty epically - badass. That gives me a list of things to do in walmart, since they're on my permanent shiit-list now... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JF89 Posted October 29, 2019 Report Share Posted October 29, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JF89 Posted October 29, 2019 Report Share Posted October 29, 2019 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted October 29, 2019 Report Share Posted October 29, 2019 On 10/27/2019 at 2:24 AM, 98Z5V said: That was pretty epically - badass. That gives me a list of things to do in walmart, since they're on my permanent shiit-list now... Fitting room for condoms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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