Joke of the day

[suzukiray]

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work. Woman 1: Did you have good sex last night? Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you? Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long session of fantastic sex and then we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale! At the same time, their husbands are talking at work. Husband 1: Did you have good sex last night? Husband 2: Yes, it was great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you? Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner. They cut the electricity because I didn't pay the bill. So I had to take my wife out to dinner and it was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab. So we had to walk home for an hour – and since there was no electricity when we got home, I had to light bloody candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. I finally did and was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and had to listen to my wife jabber away for another fucking hour!

[Belt Fed]

LOL

[suzukiray]

Christmas with Louise As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. If you have never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come! in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise". She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee hours of the morning, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her ! to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[Cunuckgaucho]

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities.

1)  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2)  Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"  and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

[mrmackc]

On 12/12/2019 at 1:42 PM, Cunuckgaucho said:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities.

1)  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2)  Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"  and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

DAMN NERDS!!!!!

[unforgiven]

On 12/12/2019 at 1:42 PM, Cunuckgaucho said:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.  One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.  So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.  I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.  Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.  Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.  This gives two possibilities.

1)  If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2)  Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it ?  If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year that "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,"  and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

I totally get it boingrother coming from a trade where heat/cold is the deal.

The thing about going to hell is you'll be so busy shaking hands with all those you know you wouldn't even know it was warm.

[Cunuckgaucho]

[98Z5V]

That's the damn truth... 

[Belt Fed]

Peter woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Mary," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."

"He's an center of uranus," Peter said. "I could piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, fornicate him! " said Peter.

"I did" said Mary. "That's why you're back at work on Monday."

[unforgiven]

Hahaha

[sketch]

First joke from my boss in 14 years.. i gave him a singing squirl card.. wtf 🤣

 

 

Edited December 24, 2019 by sketch
shits I thought of this crowd ..

[Armed Eye Doc]

Lol

[98Z5V]

26 minutes ago, sketch said:

First joke from my boss in 14 years.. i gave him a singing squirl card.. wtf 🤣

 

 

@edgecrusher sent me this exact thing two years ago, for New Year's...   Last year, I forwarded it to Gun Pusher John.  THIS year, I get it back from our friend Marc...  

[Sharpshooter]

And now I've got it, thanks to you all, and I know just which cupcake I'm going to send it to! Thanks, and Merry Christmas to all you fukkers!

[392heminut]

13 hours ago, 98Z5V said:

@edgecrusher sent me this exact thing two years ago, for New Year's...   Last year, I forwarded it to Gun Pusher John.  THIS year, I get it back from our friend Marc...  

Okaaaayy......so I guess it's NOT odd that you were the first one I thought of when I read this! I think it might have been the crayon eating comment!

[edgecrusher]

9 hours ago, 392heminut said:

Okaaaayy......so I guess it's NOT odd that you were the first one I thought of when I read this! I think it might have been the crayon eating comment!

🤣

[mrmackc]

On 12/23/2019 at 8:26 PM, sketch said:

First joke from my boss in 14 years.. i gave him a singing squirl card.. wtf 🤣

 

 

Okay I saw your little So-called December message, when are we gonna see the JOKE?

[sketch]

😘

[Belt Fed]

The Phone Call

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called “out of the blue” to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little bit of that “old magic.”

“Wow!” I was flabbergasted.

“I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now”, I said , “I’m a little older and greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just giggled and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah ” I said. “just as long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone… everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I'm developing jowls like a Great Dane!”

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men where cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway she giggled and said, “I've put on a few pounds myself!”




So I told her to **** off.

[unforgiven]

Hahahaha

[mrmackc]

This may have been posted here before but I don't  remember, not that I remember 50% of what I do anyway. . . .:

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks.
 
I don't need anger management.  I need people to stop ticking me off.
 
Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation.
 
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
 
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change things I can and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap.
 
I don't have gray hair.  I have "wisdom highlights".  I'm just very wise.
 
My people skills are just fine.  It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
 
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
 
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
 
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.  I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
 
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.  Not sure what I'll do that second week.
 
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
 
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound.
 
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
 
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
 
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I actually came in there for.

[98Z5V]

That's good, Mack.  I'll post your bail, too, when that comes up. 

[suzukiray]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming. But still, Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket... Suddenly the father shouted.... 'I'll do the fucking dishes!

[suzukiray]

An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?' 'I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.' 'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?' 'Who said my father's dead?' The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?' 'He's 100 years old,' says the old Texan. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too.' 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?' 'Who said my Grandpa's dead?' Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?' 'He's 118 years old,' says the man. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?' 'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.' At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?' 'Who said he wanted to?' 

[unforgiven]

Hahaha I hope I get to be as young as grandpa