Joke of the day

MikedaddyH · May 20, 2015

OUCH !

planeflyer21 · May 20, 2015

That reminds me of the one about the little old lady, going into the bank to open an account with her life savings.

When the banker asked for her money, she opened her purse and exclaimed "It's gone! I've lost my life savings! It was everything I had!"

Just then a lawyer in an expensive suit came up, saying "Excuse me...I couldn't help but overhear that you lost your life savings."

The distraught old lady sobbed "Yes! I had it right before I came inside the bank here."

The lawyer asked "By any chance, was it a large roll of $100 bills, held together with a rubber band?"

"Why yes it was! Have you found my money?" the woman asked.

"No," said the lawyer, "but I found your rubber band."

unforgiven · May 24, 2015

That's some funny $hit.Good ones guys. <lmao> <laughs>

wetncold · May 25, 2015

One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Biker: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?"

Biker: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Biker: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Biker: "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?"

Biker: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Biker: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you’re dead anyhow."

Biker: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Biker: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Biker: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Biker: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

sketch · May 25, 2015

Hahhahahaa lol !!! Thank you Wetncold!

unforgiven · May 25, 2015

BWAAAHAHAHAHA good one brother.Another thing about goin to hell,you'll know so many people. >:D :hethan:

suzukiray · May 25, 2015

A Vietnamese lady goes into the bank to exchange Vietnamese cash for American dollars. She counts out her cash & hands it to the teller. The teller counts it & gives her back 180 dollars. The Vietnamese lady looks at the teller & says "Hey! Why you only give me hundret eighty dolla? I come yestaday wit same amount you give me two hundret dolla. Why different today?" The teller replies "Fuctuations." To which the Vietnamese lady says "Fluck you WHITE people too!!!"

Ray.

Edited May 25, 2015 by suzukiray

98Z5V · May 25, 2015

Shibi not gonna wike dat won... :eek: <laughs>

Armed Eye Doc · June 11, 2015

The Young Doctor's ... DIAGNOSIS

A YOUNG DOCTOR MOVED OUT TO A SMALL COMMUNITY TO REPLACE A DOCTOR WHO WAS RETIRING.
THE OLDER DOCTOR SUGGESTED THAT THE YOUNG ONE ACCOMPANY HIM ON HIS ROUNDS, SO THE COMMUNITY COULD BECOME USED TO A NEW DOCTOR.

AT THE FIRST HOUSE A WOMAN COMPLAINS, "I'VE BEEN A LITTLE SICK TO MY STOMACH."

THE OLDER DOCTOR SAYS, "WELL, YOU'VE PROBABLY BEEN OVERDOING THE FRESH FRUIT. CUT BACK ON THE AMOUNT YOU'VE BEEN EATING AND SEE IF THAT DOES THE TRICK?"
AS THEY LEFT, THE YOUNGER MAN SAID, "YOU DIDN'T EVEN EXAMINE THAT WOMAN?
HOW'D YOU COME TO THE DIAGNOSIS SO QUICKLY?"

"I DIDN'T HAVE TO. YOU NOTICED I DROPPED MY STETHOSCOPE ON THE FLOOR IN
THERE? WHEN I BENT OVER TO PICK IT UP, I NOTICED A HALF DOZEN BANANA PEELS IN THE TRASH. THAT WAS WHAT PROBABLY WAS MAKING HER SICK."

THE YOUNGER DOCTOR SAID "PRETTY CLEVER. IF YOU DON'T MIND, I THINK I'LL TRY THAT AT THE NEXT HOUSE."
ARRIVING AT THE NEXT HOUSE, THEY SPENT SEVERAL MINUTES TALKING WITH A YOUNGER WOMAN. SHE SAID THAT SHE JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE ENERGY SHE ONCE DID AND SAID, "I'M FEELING TERRIBLY RUN DOWN LATELY."

"YOU'VE PROBABLY BEEN DOING TOO MUCH FOR THE CHURCH," THE YOUNGER DOCTOR
TOLD HER. "PERHAPS YOU SHOULD CUT BACK A BIT AND SEE IF THAT HELPS."

AS THEY LEFT, THE ELDER DOCTOR SAID, "I KNOW THAT WOMAN WELL. YOUR DIAGNOSIS IS MOST CERTAINLY CORRECT, SHE'S VERY ACTIVE IN THE CHURCH, BUT HOW DID YOU ARRIVE AT IT?"

"I DID WHAT YOU DID AT THE LAST HOUSE. I DROPPED MY STETHOSCOPE AND,
WHEN I BENT DOWN TO RETRIEVE IT, I NOTICED THE PASTOR UNDER THE BED.

392heminut · June 11, 2015

Bert had been having problems with his elbow and it was getting to the point where it was affecting his work at the construction site. His buddy Ernie asked him about it and Bert told him that he had been to several doctors and had even visited the Mayo Clinic, but no one could figure out what the problem was.

Ernie told Bert that he knew a doctor that could figure it out, and he was willing to bet $100 that he could. Bert figured he would make an easy $100 on that deal so he took Ernie up on it and got the doctor's name.

He scheduled an appointment and went to see the doc. After a thorough exam the doctor gave him a urine specimen cup and told him to drop off a sample of his urine the next morning on his way to work and he would have a diagnosis for by the time he got off work.

Now Bert had no intentions of loosing a $100 bet so when he got home and saw his dog Ole Blue with his leg hiked up by a tree he ran over and collected a bit of ole Blue's piss. He went in the house and put the cup by the toilet then kicked back with a cold one in front of the TV. A short time later his daughter came walking through and he asked her if she was going to the bathroom. She replied yes and he told her "Pee a little bit in that cup for me". A bit later his wife came through the living room and he made the same request of her. Later that night, before going to bed he added his contribution to the mix.

The next morning Bert dropped the urine off at the doctor's office on his way to work and told Ernie that he was pretty sure the doc wouldn't be able to tell him anything and he sure hoped Ernie had that hundred in his pocket.

On his way home Bert stopped back at the doctor's office, feeling pretty sure that the bet was won. The doctor called him into the examining room and told him to sit down, as he had some bad news.

Bert was thinking to himself "This should be interesting!"

The doc looked him in the eye and said "Bert, your dog has rabies, you're daughter has the clap, your wife is pregnant and if you don't quit masturbating you're going to loose that arm!" :ugone2far:

Matt.Cross · June 11, 2015

^^^LMAO

sketch · June 11, 2015

Hahaha good one Larry !

Dane Armory · June 19, 2015

Depends ?

jtallen83 · June 22, 2015

Why do women fake orgasms?

because they think we care...................

planeflyer21 · June 22, 2015

And in that same vein,

Why does it take women longer to cum?

Who cares?

Matt.Cross · June 25, 2015

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the3rd grade too!'Ms. Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms.Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'Harry: '9..'Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'Harry: '36.'And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rdgrader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

'You know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to

the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets..? to the Principal's great relief?..

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks:'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft.

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could

intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting

down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the

last question??

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates

a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the

teacher, 'Put the little bastard in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven

questions wrong myself...'

392heminut · June 25, 2015

:sign10: I got the last ones wrong too! Good one Matt! <thumbsup>

sketch · June 26, 2015

Great Matt!!

unforgiven · June 26, 2015

<lmao> Funny stuff bro.

98Z5V · June 26, 2015

I'm sharing that one at work... <lmao>

MikedaddyH · June 26, 2015

I have a dirty mind ! LOL

EasyEJL · July 1, 2015

A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

from

http://higherperspectives.com/jokes-for-intellectuals/?c=ss