Joke of the day

[mrmackc]

I was sitting at a long stop light yesterday, thinking about what I would do to keep busy during retirement, minding my own business and patiently waiting for the light to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic. An old Nissan full of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.

 

Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to America!" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler truck came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!" So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver!

 

[mrmackc]

Got my gun permit yesterday, then went over to the local gun shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was ready to pay by credit card for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

[Rsquared]

Now that's fukin funny Mack.

[unforgiven]

Probably not a good day not to wear any underware.

[wetncold]

Obama and Putin were walking out in the countryside, enjoying scenery and the mild fall weather. While on a quiet trail, they came across a sheep. The sheep tried to get away, but its head became caught in the wire fencing. The poor critter was stuck.

Putin smiled, walked behind the sheep, dropped his drawers, and had his way with it. When Putin was done, he turned to Obama and said, “Go ahead! It’s your turn!”

Without a second thought, Obama walked over and stuck his head in the wire fencing.

[Armed Eye Doc]

Lol

[bubbas4570]

Thanks alot, wetncold, i lol'd at work.....and couldn't explain it to anyone.

[MikedaddyH]

[sketch]

A state inspector is performing his monthly inspection on a nursing home and comes to a room and sees a nurse gerking an old guy and asks what the hell is this. The director explains that this guy has a rare affliction and if he isn't relieved every 24 hrs he will back up and the pressure would kill him. The inspector accepts this answer so they continue on and come to another room and there's a nurse giving an guy a blowjob. The inspector says what the hell is this!!! The director answers same thing he just has better insurance. 

[mrmackc]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his f****n' wife. 

[DNP]

Long joke...worth it. Thank you. 

[planeflyer21]

This mechanic's glossary is spot on:

These hilarious automotive tool definitions have been floating around on the Internet for some time now with no credit to the author. Sensitive to such things because people have plagiarized and out-and-out stolen stuff that I've written, I decided to track down the author. Much to my surprise and pleasure, it was none other than Peter Egan, one of my all-time favorite automotive writers. This piece originally appeared in Road & Track, April 1996 in Peter's column, Side Glances. The original column has a half-page introduction and some additional definitions, so I recommend you try to obtain that issue of R&T. It was also reprinted in the book, Side Glances, Vol. 2, 1992-1997 by Peter Egan, published by Brooklands Books Ltd., a wonderfuil collection of 66 or Peter's columns.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers. Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle. Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.  Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch. Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason. Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder. Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt". Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.  Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack. Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters. Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.  E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys. Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.  Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.  Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw. Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off. Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.

[DNP]

Fuckin engineers-

 

Once upon a time there were three men: a doctor, a city planner, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the city planner was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the planner's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the planner was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?"

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

"WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

 

[EngrBob]

Fuckin engineers-

 

Once upon a time there were three men: a doctor, a city planner, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the city planner was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the planner's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the planner was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?"

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

"WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

 

Yeah, its a curse.

[DNP]

I know. Our family business since the 50's is civil engineering and land surveying. We absolutely HAVE to solve any problem we are presented....even if it kills us. 

[jtallen83]

Engineers, you can talk to them all day long but you can't tell them a f**k'n thing! Technically I'm an "Engineering tech" for the federal DOT...code for rookie engineer babysitter there.

DISCLAIMER: The opinions above are my own personal opinions and in no way reflect the policy of the DOT.

[EngrBob]

Engineers, you can talk to them all day long but you can't tell them a f**k'n thing! Technically I'm an "Engineering tech" for the federal DOT...code for rookie engineer babysitter there.

DISCLAIMER: The opinions above are my own personal opinions and in no way reflect the policy of the DOT.

Any good engineer listens to all input to ensure the solution is correct.  Unfortunately there are a lot of engineers, particularly in government (and I have worked in government and the private sector), that have become bureaucrats rather than engineers.  One of the reasons I left US DOT 25 years ago was the preponderance of bureaucrat engineers.

[jtallen83]

Your dead nuts on with the bureaucrat issue. They try to convince me to get that "big promotion" and raise but what I see is a job that amounts to spreadsheets and emails all day long with only a few minutes of the day available for actual field work if they are lucky. I'll take less money and be out on the site doing and being around what I love instead of fretting over the wording of an email afraid I'll make someone look bad or worse yet make them do some work........

and again....DISCLAIMER: The opinions above are my own personal opinions and in no way reflect the policy of the DOT.

[DNP]

You got a hot key loaded with that disclaimer?  Lol

[jtallen83]

You got a hot key loaded with that disclaimer?  Lol

Got it in my "simple auto fill" on the toolbar. Got to be careful when I mention the DOT, I only need a few years to lock in my retirement check but I don't seem to be able to take the bureaucratic route and just do as little as possible, fly under the radar they call it.....made me some "friends" in my short time there.

and I mentioned them again so, DISCLAIMER: The opinions above are my own personal opinions and in no way reflect the policy of the DOT.

[Armed Eye Doc]

It seems like you're too smart to be working for a government agency.  

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way the opinion of the person referenced above.

[jtallen83]

It seems like you're too smart to be working for a government agency.  

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way the opinion of the person referenced above.

Dr's told me I'd never work again so I thought the government would be the ideal place for my circumstances, either way I was getting a check from the government so at least I can try to earn this one;-)

[mrmackc]

[suzukiray]

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!  

[suzukiray]

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.

She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her.

She was ecstatic.

I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough.

But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!

Women, I can't figure them out.