Joke of the day

[slugger43]

Okay, I almost peed at that one.  And by the way, HAG is a funny word, all by itself.  Nice lilt to it.  Hillary Hag!

[Dane Armory]

6 hours ago, EngrBob said:

Joe was having trouble in school; his teacher was always  yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy,Joe; can't you  learn anything?"

 One day Joe's mother came to school to see how  he was doing. The teacher told her honestly that her  son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks,
 and that she had never had such an unmotivated and  ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.

 Joe’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her  son from school and moved out of Cincinnati, relocating to  Cleveland.

 Twenty Five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with  irreversible cardiac disease. Her doctors all strongly  advised her to have open heart surgery,which only one
 surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

 Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have  the operation, which was remarkably successful.

 When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw  the  doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her.

 She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.

 Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.

 The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

 When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Joe, now a janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to plug in his vacuum
 cleaner.

 If you thought that Joe had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you will vote for the HAG
 

Bob you changed the punchline to fit the narrative ! LOL

[sketch]

 

[suzukiray]

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby black Houston church, I decided to check them out in person and see what it was all about.
I sat down and Sharpton came up to me, I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today. "
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord All Mighty, you will walk today. "
Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and Lo and Behold, my fucking car had been stolen....

Ray.

[sketch]

Haha!

[mrmackc]

[Robocop1051]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" ...

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

 

I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

Jokingly, he said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV.

Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

She didn't appreciate that.

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from o to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.

 

One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I'm still recovering from this one.

[bubbas4570]

We are both rolling at those. ^^^^^^^^

 

[EngrBob]

An Israeli doctor says:  “Medicine is so advanced in Israel that we can cut off a man's testicles put them on another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for work.

 

The German doctor says: “That's nothing, In Germany we take part of a brain put it in another man and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.

 

The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man put it in another's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

 

The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Seven years ago we took a Muslim with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole damn country is looking for work!"

[sketch]

2 hours ago, Robocop1051 said:

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" ...

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

 

I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

Jokingly, he said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV.

Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

She didn't appreciate that.

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from o to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.

 

One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I'm still recovering from this one.

Thats some brave shits brother im loving it! To myself ?

[sketch]

[sketch]

[mrmackc]

[82HALO]

16 hours ago, Robocop1051 said:

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" ...

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes.."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

 

I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

Jokingly, he said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, brewing beer, watching TV.

Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

She didn't appreciate that.

 

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from o to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.

 

One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

I'm still recovering from this one.

LMAO!!! Love em!!

[mrmackc]

[bubbas4570]

28 minutes ago, mrmackc said:

That one works very well!!!

[DNP]

Should have bill clinton's face on the back...

[mrmackc]

10 hours ago, DNP said:

Should have bill clinton's face on the back...

AMEN!

[jtallen83]

Dad sent me this today;

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of The American Indian nation in upper New York State ...She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES," for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.  Although the Senator was vague on the details of jbher plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of $hit it can no longer fly

Edited April 15, 2016 by jtallen83

[EasyEJL]

Top 10 times in History when the use of the “f-word” was appropriate
“Scattered Fucking showers, my ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC
“How the fornicate did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC
“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566
“Where did all those fucking Indians come from?” – Custer,1877
... “It does so fucking look like her!” – Picasso,1926
“Where the fornicate are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938
“What the fornicate was that?” – Mayor Of Hiroshima,1945
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!” – JFK,1963
“Aw c’mon. Who the fornicate is going to find out?” – Bill Clinton

[DNP]

That's a great one!

[suzukiray]

The day before the battle of the Alamo happened, Jim Bowie & Davy Crockett were talking. Jim just happened to look out over the wall & said "Holy poop Davy! There's 3000 Mexicans out there!!" Davy Crockett looked out over the wall, turned to Jim Bowie & said "Nobody said anything about landscaping today!!"

Ray.

[slugger43]

SO, IF TRUMP IS ELECTED, IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME A BILLIONAIRE EVER MOVED INTO GOVERNMENT HOUSING RECENTLY VACATED BY A BLACK FAMILY.....

[MikedaddyH]

38 minutes ago, slugger43 said:

SO, IF TRUMP IS ELECTED, IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME A BILLIONAIRE EVER MOVED INTO GOVERNMENT HOUSING RECENTLY VACATED BY A BLACK FAMILY.....

He is use to working on fixer uppers. White House soon to be the Presidential Palace . lol

[DNP]

Gonna take a few days to get the limo back in order as well...