Joke of the day

[Microgunner]

Stupid sheet heads.

[Magwa]

HOT COFFEE

Gotta love those grand-kids ..

  I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

What day is tomorrow?"

  Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"  ..

  She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"  ..

  I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

  She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the

White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of bullpoopy."

  You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[Microgunner]

LMAO. To be retold.

[sketch]

Breaking News - Bruce Jenner Transition Fires New Speculation

Wash. DC - Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced speculating whether gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Though Jenner has yet to publicly confirm the story, members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner's intention.

Now it appears a number of world leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud "What will happen to Jenner's balls if he completes the transition?" Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his balls to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated "Everyone knows Obama has no balls and it would be damn nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized balls. It would be a huge step forward for world peace. ”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked " I don't even have any balls, but everyone tells me I have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea. ”

On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in proclaiming that Obama's lack of balls has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing expedition in Kanchatka, said "The days of U.S. Presidents with big balls like Reagan are over. Now it's our turn. “

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remarked earlier in the week that "It's been great the last six years. It's like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net. ”

While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that "The President would have to understand, our balls would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement over what he seems to be working with."

[unforgiven]

BWAAHAHAHHAHA To funny brother. <thumbsup>

[BLKSHEEP]

Damn it ya'll have been slackin...

[wetncold]

Tyrone

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity and clumsiness, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him , "You're driving me mad, Tyrone."

One day Tyrone's mom came to school to check on how he was doing.

The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never had she seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.

The mom was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something was wrong but quickly died .

The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.

Then he turned around and saw our friend, Tyrone, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

Don't tell me you thought Tyrone became a heart-surgeon.

Well maybe you did...... if you voted for Obama.

[Microgunner]

You got me, but Queen Barry didn't. 

[shepp]

[Armed Eye Doc]

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened in Benghazi?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

And, Third whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy, little Johnny--puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny."

"And what is your question, Johnny?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third- whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, Fifth - where's Kenneth?"

[Armed Eye Doc]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Washington DC . Nothing is moving!
Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window. The driver rolls down his window
and asks "What's going on"?
''Terrorists down the road have kidnapped all the members of our Congress,
they're asking for $10 million in ransom". "Otherwise, they're going to
douse them with gasoline and set them on fire"!
"We're going from car to car taking up a collection".
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average"?
''Most people are giving about two gallons"!

[Dracomeister]

Well I got medevaced outta Iraq cause I got a mite too close to wun uv them IEDs and hadta go git my laig fixed. Whilst I wuz a layin there con-tem-platin the meenin uv life, the Doc comes in an says he's got some bad news, he aint got no more antystetic, an he's gotta pull some big ole chunks uv mettle outta my raggedy ole body.

 

I teld him ta go ahead cause I'd felt more pain than gist pullin some jagedy pieces uv shrapnel out. 

 

He said "Sojer, you don't understand, I ain't got nuthin to stop the pain an its gonna hurt some kinda bad".

 

I told him ta go ahead. Finely he asked how I coulda felt worse pain than gittin blowed up and then gittin all that mettle pulled out. 

 

"Well", I saiz, "a while back I was a huntin up in the hills an had to make a call ta nature, y'all no how it is, I squatted down to get set when a big ole bear trap slammed closed on my dangely bits. Hit wuz some kinda painful, I grant ya." 

 

Well that there doc kinda turned white an allowed that mayby I had felt worst pain.

 

"Shoot, Doc", I said "It wuz purty bad but I seen worse pain than that."

 

He held as I wuz a pullin his leg cause cudent nuthin hurt wurse than gittin your dangely bits caught in a bear trap.

 

"Yes Sir Doc, you shoulda been there when the slack come outta that chain!"

[planeflyer21]

<laughs>  <lmao>

[BLKSHEEP]

^^^ Winner!!! <laughs> <lmao> <laughs>

[planeflyer21]

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
Super heroes don't wear capes, they wear Dog Tags.

[Malig8r]

That's flipping awesome!!! <lmao>

[Dracomeister]

Bubba was a hitch hikin' down ta Possum Holler with his little ole squirrel dog, Beau. Been out there there a while watchin' the city folks zoom past in their Cad-o-laks (fer some reason, most of um rolled up their winders when they seed him) when here comes wun a them snortin' bellerin' 427 cubic inch, 500 horse par go-fast machines.

 

City feller drivin' says "I ken give ya a lift but I ain't got room fer yer dawg."

 

Bubba allowed as that was awerite cause Beau cud jest run long side.

 

Feller screeched outta there an run er up ta bout 30, looked over at Bubba an said "Where's yer dawg, boy?"

 

Bubba looked out the winder and said she was fine, jest a lopin long side.

 

Feller looked a mite perturbed and showered down on that big ole engine, run er up ta bout 60 an said "Where's yer dawg now, boy?"

 

Bubba checked er out and said she was fine, runnin easy.

 

Feller looked real perturbed and reached down, got nuther cuppla gears took that big ole sporty car slam up ta one hunert n atey six miles an our, hit was some kinda fast! He looked over at Bubba (who was gittin him out another dip) an said "OK, boy, where's yer dawg now???"

 

Bubba looked down, said she was fine, jest startin ta stretch out a mite.

 

Well that feller hollerd out wun uv them ex-ple-tives (y'all no them wurds the Preacher frowns on) slammed on them big ole 16 inch car-bone fibr brakes an slid that big ole car to a skreechin stop in 37 feet flat! Smoke was a rollin frum the tars, the brakes an the motor too. He jumped out the car, run around tother side an sure nuff, theres Beau jest a sittin there pantin a bit. Feller looked at that little ole squirrel dog an said nuther wun uv them wurds looked at Bubba an said "Boy, I jest kaint beleve it that that there little ole dawg cud keep up, but whut's that ring round her neck fer?"

 

Bubba looked at er an said "Oh, that's jest her center of uranus, she ain't used ta stoppin' that fast!"

[Microgunner]

^^Victim of AI censor.

[unforgiven]

<lmao>  <laughs>

[Armed Eye Doc]

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He
asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT
WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply
embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and
said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking;
I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT
PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people.

[98Z5V]

EXCELLENT way to turn that around on her!!!   <lmao>

[wetncold]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST ....

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.

"If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

There before me in the driveway was my entire future family, and they were all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said,

'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son.'

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

[Matt.Cross]

ROFLMAO

Nicely done!

[sketch]

Two good ones in a row! Nicley played gentile men ;)

[wetncold]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . No, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . If I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.