unforgiven Posted July 4, 2015 Report Share Posted July 4, 2015 That I got. <laughs> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.308LiteHunter Posted July 4, 2015 Report Share Posted July 4, 2015 Pretty funny... AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF PERIODICALLY AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. (REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.) 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM 8. NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sketch Posted July 6, 2015 Report Share Posted July 6, 2015 Haha I like that and use most of it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
survivalshop Posted July 6, 2015 Report Share Posted July 6, 2015 So, I was walking through the mall and saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims?” The clerk said, "fuk off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armed Eye Doc Posted July 6, 2015 Report Share Posted July 6, 2015 LOL...I'd like a copy of it as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sketch Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 Yes that's it!! Lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planeflyer21 Posted July 7, 2015 Report Share Posted July 7, 2015 For Robo and Edge: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toolndie7 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2015 Canoe Racing So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the"Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted July 30, 2015 Report Share Posted July 30, 2015 Sad but true brother. <lmao> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robocop1051 Posted August 2, 2015 Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 Oldie but goodie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unforgiven Posted August 2, 2015 Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 <lmao> Save the whales fuk a fat chick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jtallen83 Posted August 2, 2015 Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 <lmao> reminds of a Scottish drinking song; Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sketch Posted August 2, 2015 Report Share Posted August 2, 2015 Gigitty! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLKSHEEP Posted August 7, 2015 Report Share Posted August 7, 2015 FA-18 HORNET vs SR-71 BLACKBIRD http://controversialtimes.com/funny/classic-military-sr-71-blackbird-pilots-troll-navy-pilot-and-civilian-aircraft-with-ground-speed-check/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted August 8, 2015 Report Share Posted August 8, 2015 ^^^^ Guess those blackbird boys won the dick measuring contest that day. <lmao> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLKSHEEP Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 ^^^^ Guess those blackbird boys won the dick measuring contest that day. <lmao> Only by 1280 knots! lmao :hail: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
98Z5V Posted August 9, 2015 Report Share Posted August 9, 2015 That's an awesome story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rsquared Posted August 10, 2015 Report Share Posted August 10, 2015 Fuckin A right it is! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armed Eye Doc Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 Doctor : "Your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas" Me: "Let me try something..." [adjusts thermostat] Dad: [Opens one eye]... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planeflyer21 Posted August 17, 2015 Report Share Posted August 17, 2015 /\/\/\/\ <laughs> When my widowed and thrifty (yeah, okay-cheap) FIL got remarried, she told him "I'm going to walk around in the summer in long pants and a sweater in my house, and shorts and a muscle shirt in the winter in my house. It's my house, I pay the bills. Shutup." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EasyEJL Posted August 19, 2015 Report Share Posted August 19, 2015 don't all women do that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GreyGoose Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks "What are them cows up to honey?" The husband, a bit flustered, answers "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks "What are them horses doing honey?" The husband answers again "Them horses, they're roping!" She replies "Oh, I see!"Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis. "Oh my!" she cries "What is that?" "Well, darl'in'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma'rope!"She slides her hands down further and gasps "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks. "Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!" Her husband, panting a little, asks "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?""No" the bride replies "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sketch Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 Hahaa good one GG! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armed Eye Doc Posted September 10, 2015 Report Share Posted September 10, 2015 I ran into an AWOL marine today. I told him he had to go back but he said no. I asked why & he replied,"Day one, they gave me a comb.Day two, they shaved my head.Day three, they gave me a toothbrush.Day four, they pulled six teeth.Day five, they gave me a jock strap.There's no way in hell I was going to wait for day six." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
planeflyer21 Posted September 10, 2015 Report Share Posted September 10, 2015 I ran into an AWOL marine today. I told him he had to go back but he said no. I asked why & he replied,"Day one, they gave me a comb.Day two, they shaved my head.Day three, they gave me a toothbrush.Day four, they pulled six teeth.Day five, they gave me a jock strap.There's no way in hell I was going to wait for day six."Was instructing at a place today and got to hear their morning "pep talk".One of the managers stepped forward and said "My daughter is doing a fundraiser for the school selling cups, so this will be good for them. If you have any questions just ask me."I asked "Is the supporter included in the price?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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