Joke of the day

[ecott]

This morning at work, a poor old lady slipped on the ice and knocked herself out! At least I think she was poor - she only had $2 in her purse.

 

[planeflyer21]

Walkie talkie:

 

[Armed Eye Doc]

OUCH!

 

[MikeD]

An Italian and a Greek are arguing over who is better

The Greek says "we invented sex"

The Italian replies "We invented it with the woman"

[MikeD]

4 hours ago, Armed Eye Doc said:

OUCH!

 

wow, he got up after that.  stunned

[392heminut]

[suzukiray]

How do you make a woman scream twice during sex?

 

 

 

 

 

 

After you give her an orgasm, wipe your dick on her curtains!!

Edited January 27, 2017 by suzukiray

[sketch]

Haha!

[washguy]

   
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went shopping yesterday and has not come home !
Sheriff: Height ?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight ?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair ? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing ?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in ?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it ?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff ........ Take it easy sir ,
we'll find your truck !
                                                                           Wash

[unforgiven]

Little Johnny's grandfather siting in his recliner drunk talking about his first jump out of an airplane in the military.

The green light goes on and I froze at the door. Then what happened grandpa.

Jumpmaster is screaming " Jump, jump or I'll fuk you in the ass.

Did you jump??

Yea, a little.

[survivalshop]

 

 

---

 

Old Timer…
The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar
just outside the VFW.   A rumpled old Navy Chief Petty Officer was
standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious
young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was
doing. "Fishing," the old Chief simply said. "Poor old loon," the
Marine thought to himself, and invited the Chief into the bar for a
drink.

 

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping
their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked,
"How many have you caught today?"  "You're number 14," the Chief
answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12 year old
Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Army and 9 Marines.

 

[mrmackc]

I knew an old SeeBee Chief like that he and I were fishing buddies.  God Rest his soul.

[survivalshop]

 

 

---

 

 

Subject:  : BREAKING NEWS !!! Biggest Ever Real Estate Deal !

 

 

 

 PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCES SALE OF CALIFORNIA TO MEXICO

 

 

 

WASHINGTON (AP) – at 12:15pm today President Trump disclosed that he
has reached an agreement with Enrique Pena Nieto, President of Mexico,
which provides for the sale of substantially all of the State of
California to the country of Mexico.  President Trump noted that this
deal, which he claims “is his largest real estate deal ever” is a
win-win for everyone involved.  One of the benefits he says he will
highlight during a prime time address from the oval office later this
evening, will include using the proceeds received by the US from
Mexico to (1) pay for the Wall (fulfilling yet another campaign
promise), a wall which will now include the length of the eastern
boarder of California, (2) fund all the infrastructure spending in the
remaining 49 states and (3) pay to relocate all of the 67 Republicans
that currently reside in California.

 

 

 

He also noted that Federal money saved from the reduction of
California citizens on US social programs will allow those social
programs to be cash positive in less than 3 years. Mexican President
Nieto announced that he has already introduced a bill to the Mexican
Congress asking to change his country’s name to MexiCal.

 

 

 

Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during this
evening’s prime time address include:

 

 

 

California will now be able to act as a sanctuary state within MexiCal
noting that there is much more room for the refugees who will find the
climate in the State of California more desirable than the climate in
US cities such as NYC, Detroit or Chicago.

 

 

 

The elimination of the existing border between Mexico and California
will allow drugs to flow more freely between Mexico and the users in
Hollywood.  Drug tunnel diggers at the Tijuana boarder will now be
able to use there skills to dig tunnels under Los Angeles to help ease
congestion in that city and allow rioters to move about the city’s
universities more freely

 

 

 

The U.S. taxpayer will no longer be on the hook for any future
disaster relief required once the next megaquake hits California.

 

 

 

The space in the Capitol and other DC buildings vacated by
representatives of California will be fumigated and turned into
“time-out rooms” for the press as well as Liberty Centers where US
citizens can meet with their congressmen to discuss the pursuit of
economic freedom.

 

 

 

Nancy Pelosi released a statement stating that she looks forward to
making the Mexican President’s life miserable and prefers the year
round weather in Mexico City to that of DC.  Her office has already
announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed
to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of MexiCal.

 

 

 

Papers released along with Trump’s statement reveal that a newly
incorporated real estate company, pmurT, Inc., which was intimately
involved in the deal discussions, will receive a broker fee of $25
billion on the California sale.  An anonymous pmurT, Inc.
representative has revealed that the profits on the deal are HUGE and
will be used to purchase, develop and convert all abandoned US Federal
facilities in California into special high end retreats and resorts
which will assist California residents with managing their euphoria
and transition into the nanny state they have so long desired to be.

 

 

 

The exact northern border of the new MexiCal is still under
negotiation.  Apparently the White House is concerned that certain
members of congress may be unwilling to give up California’s wine
country and are suggesting that the northern boarder align with the
north end of the Golden Gate Bridge.

 

 

 

California residents will be issued special blue cards to cross the
boarder into the US so that the total number of California liberals
entering the US can be tracked and at any point in time not exceed
predetermined levels.   Residents that remain in California after the
effective date of the sale will not be allowed to seek refugee status
in the US in the future.

 

 

 

Mexican President Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is
looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his
newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a second
language) schools throughout California.  He also noted that funding
for the transaction would come from the Mexican drug cartels, which
have agreed to provide low interest loans to Mexico so long as they
are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman
Islands back into Mexico tax free. He also said he considers the fact
that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added
bonus.

 

 

 

White House representatives refused to confirm rumors that a similar
deal was in the works for the sale of Northeastern states from NY
through Maine, to Canada.

 

 

 

President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, “this deal is HUGE
and will help Make America, albeit a little smaller, Great Again”.

 

 

 

[mrmackc]

Every one in Texas needs to get behind our President and congratulate him and the negotiations that made this wonderful deal become a reality! MADE AMERICA GREATER AGAIN!

The Texas governor and the Texas Attorney General are working on a bill that will declare  Austin and San Antonio for rent to the NRA and Duck Dynasty Inc. for  Urban Redneck Enhancement Cities. (Current Sanctuary victims and  providers have been provided free transportation and relocated to Mexicalif.)

[MikedaddyH]

Win , Win !!!!

[bubbas4570]

The BEST FAKE NEWS I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!!

[EngrBob]

4 minutes ago, bubbas4570 said:

The BEST FAKE NEWS I HAVE EVER HEARD!!!!

Fake, but...........

[MikedaddyH]

2 minutes ago, EngrBob said:

Fake, but...........

Yah ... 67 Republicans in Cali , no way there's that many !!!

[Magwa]

OMG one of the funniest things I have ever seen what are the white guys preparing for , a black guy explains....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv_GrJIAxNA

[survivalshop]

[planeflyer21]

1 hour ago, Magwa said:

OMG one of the funniest things I have ever seen what are the white guys preparing for , a black guy explains....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv_GrJIAxNA

I've tried explaining that to "outraged" libs, by asking a rhetorical question.  "What are you going to do about it ("it" being anything they feel is the injustice of the moment)?"

Rage on.  Burn down your urban utopias.  Destroy the supply lines into your declared "no-go zones," and then demand assistance.

Like the dude in that video said "They going to come into your street and tell you to get on the truck.  And you're going to get on the truck."

[washguy]

             Gynecologist's Assistant
   
  A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
  Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
  The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
  You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
  "Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"
  "No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.
 

 

 

[suzukiray]

What do Japanese do with an erection?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They vote!

Ray.

Edited February 18, 2017 by suzukiray

[survivalshop]

Are you Suffering From Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder (TARD)?

Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is a pattern of pathologically dis-associative and psychotic behavior, first observed in the late hours of November 8th 2016, and increasing in severity with passing time. Sufferers of Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder often exhibit pronounced cognitive dissonance, sudden bouts of rage, uncontrollable crying, suicidal ideas, and extreme sadness.

Signs and Symptoms:
People with Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder are characterized by a persistent unwillingness to accept that Donald Trump is going to Make America Great Again. Individual sufferers often display signs of paranoia and delusion; in acute cases psychotic episodes have been observed. Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is different from being upset about the results of the 2016 presidential election; People with TARD are unwilling or unable to accept reality, despite irrefutable evidence. According to the DSM-V, individuals with TARD exhibit most or all of the following symptoms:
- Telling others they are moving to Canada.
- Fixated on fantasies about the Electoral College.
- Protesting an election no credible source contests the outcome of.
- Exclamations that “Someone” should do “Something”.
- Acute change in demeanor from pompous and arrogant to fearful and combative.
- Claim that anyone who disagrees with them is some combination of Racist, Sexist, Bigoted, Homophobic, and actually some sort of Hitler persona.

Causes and Mechanisms:
Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder was directly caused by the election of Donald Trump as President of the United States of America. For many, both in America and worldwide, this was a shocking and unexpected outcome; their preferred news sources having failed to inform them that the alternative candidate was a criminal parasite in such ill health she got chucked into the back of a van like a kidnap victim. Research is ongoing, but TARD appears to correlate closely with the following environmental and behavioral factors:
- Membership in the Democratic party.
- Identifying as a Feminist.
- Currently enrolled in college, and/or
- Possession of a Liberal Arts college degree.
- Cuckoldry.
- Living in a densely populated metropolitan area.
- Massive student debt.
- Spotty or non-existent work history.
- Hipsterism.

Diagnosis:
Diagnosis of Trump Acceptance Resistance Disorder is straightforward. Ask the patient if Donald Trump is going to be the Next President of the United States of America. Some patients will become agitated, and may attempt to deflect. It’s critical you press them on the issue, even if they start babbling about ‘muh triggers’. A sufferer of TARD will begin to ramble incoherently, often displaying three or more of the symptoms within a short period of time.

Treatment:
The only known effective treatment is exposure therapy. The patient must be repeatedly exposed to reality, and should wear a Make America Great Again hat as long as they are able to tolerate it. Each exposure should increase in length, after a week the patient should be encouraged to be seen in public wearing the MAGA hat. Coach the patient to refer to Donald Trump as President-Elect Trump.
Patients with TARD are very resistant to treatment, and dangerous in large groups. Any possibility of treatment requires that they be separated from their hive-mind support apparatus; they cannot begin the process of accepting reality in the presence of encouragement towards delusion and irrationality. Separation may require the assistance of law enforcement. If you have a friend or loved one suffering from TARD, urge them to seek treatment. Together we can beat this scourge, and Make America Great Again!

[bubbas4570]

TARD!!!! Love it!!