Joke of the day

[Armed Eye Doc]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home,

taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her,

and some of the males actually joined in.

 

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped

out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

 

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. 'OK' he said,

and away Ethel sped down the hall.

 

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and

shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster,

and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said 'Carry on, ma'am.

 

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked,

with a very sizeable erection.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Oh, good grief,' cried Ethel, 'not the breathalyzer again!'

[Sisco]

[jtallen83]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.

 

After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

 

“A Supreme Court Justice just died, and I want to take his place.”, begged Hillary. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.”, replied President Trump.

[survivalshop]

 

SEX INTHE SHOWER

 

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter".

 

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut',
people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex
in the shower!

 

In the survey, 86% of Chicago 's inner city residents say that they
have enjoyed sex in the shower.

 

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.
Sort of brings a tear to your eye.

[98Z5V]

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!   

[mrmackc]

A FISHING STORY

 

The king wanted to go fishing, so he called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days,  So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. 

On the way he met a farmeron his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".The king was polite and considerate, he replied:

 "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. 
And besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."So the king continued on his way. 

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. 

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means
with certainty that it will rain."

 

So the king hired the donkey.

 

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the  government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the democrat symbol was born!!!

[unforgiven]

All very funny.

[mineralman55]

Sad, but true.

[mrmackc]

 A PROPER WAY TO CALL SOMEONE A BASTARD
 
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he 
could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
 
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing 
for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. 
 
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy
was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.  
 
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.  
 
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."  
 
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"    
 
The Priest said, "Well,  you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.  And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.

[Sisco]

Thats good!

[AnOldBiker]

On 3/2/2017 at 6:18 PM, 392heminut said:

All you married bikers out there. Thought this was great!!! LOL

 

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his motorcycle.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit riding your bike. Maybe you should sell your motorcycle."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn’t!"

Her name is Linda ... and she IS my ex wife

[392heminut]

5 hours ago, AnOldBiker said:

Her name is Linda ... and she IS my ex wife

[mrmackc]

Coffee with Jesus 

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes"! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light!

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord. Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me....... I'm on disability."

[survivalshop]

[bubbas4570]

[mrmackc]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.

 

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" 

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"

 

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" 

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. 

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

 

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better. Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.

 

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink. 

 

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,"Who owns that big white horse outside?" 

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

 

(..I JUST LOVE THIS PART..)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

[survivalshop]

>>> Fwd: Tyrone was having trouble !!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>   Tyrone was having
>>> trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him,
>>> "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you
>>> learn anything?"  One
>>> day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was
>>> doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply
>>> a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never
>>> had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire
>>> teaching career. Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback,
>>> withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit,
>>> relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later,
>>> the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease.
>>> Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart
>>> surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic
>>> could perform. Left with no
>>> other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,
>>> which was remarkably successful. When she opened
>>> her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor
>>> who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted
>>> to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn
>>> blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but
>>> quickly died. The doctor was
>>> shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the
>>> doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a
>>> janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support
>>> equipment in order to plug in his vacuum
>>> cleaner. If
>>> you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is
>>> a high likelihood that you voted for
>>> Hillary.
>>>
>>>

[mrmackc]

On 8/12/2017 at 8:59 AM, survivalshop said:

>>> Fwd: Tyrone was having trouble !!!
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>   Tyrone was having
>>> trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at him,
>>> "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you
>>> learn anything?"  One
>>> day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was
>>> doing. The teacher told her honestly that her son was simply
>>> a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never
>>> had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her entire
>>> teaching career. Tyrone's mom, shocked at the feedback,
>>> withdrew her son from school and moved out of Detroit,
>>> relocating to Cleveland. 25 years later,
>>> the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac disease.
>>> Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart
>>> surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic
>>> could perform. Left with no
>>> other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,
>>> which was remarkably successful. When she opened
>>> her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young doctor
>>> who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted
>>> to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn
>>> blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but
>>> quickly died. The doctor was
>>> shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly. When the
>>> doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a
>>> janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support
>>> equipment in order to plug in his vacuum
>>> cleaner. If
>>> you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is
>>> a high likelihood that you voted for
>>> Hillary.
>>>
>>>

I absolutely luv it!

[Bullet2Bone]

What do you get when you have all the women in No.Calif in one room...?

 

A full set of teeth...

That bad?..know the difference in a bowling ball and a No.Cal girl?...

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball

[survivalshop]

Perhaps the reason for today's decision about transgenders in the military.

 

When Obama signed the bill that allowed gays to serve openly in the
military (trans-genders as well). No more don't-ask-don't-tell. But
what he really did was cause confusion in the ranks that could easily
cost Marine lives. We know Marines are trained to immediately obey
orders.

 

 

 

So imagine:

 

You're a Marine in a combat situation; ISIS is firing at you and
running toward your position & the guy next to you is openly gay...
then your platoon leader yells...“Shoot the cocksuckers!"

 

 

 

See the confusion here?

[Armed Eye Doc]

3 hours ago, survivalshop said:

Perhaps the reason for today's decision about transgenders in the military.

 

When Obama signed the bill that allowed gays to serve openly in the
military (trans-genders as well). No more don't-ask-don't-tell. But
what he really did was cause confusion in the ranks that could easily
cost Marine lives. We know Marines are trained to immediately obey
orders.

 

 

 

So imagine:

 

You're a Marine in a combat situation; ISIS is firing at you and
running toward your position & the guy next to you is openly gay...
then your platoon leader yells...“Shoot the cocksuckers!"

 

 

 

See the confusion here?

[mrmackc]

I had a platoon officer (1st Lt. White) a mustang,  like that. "Kill all of them, God will sort out the gooduns from the baduns."

[mrmackc]

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."   With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"  Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”     The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.  After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"  Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

 

 

[DNP]

That's a good one. I passed that along. 

[Matt.Cross]

Well, Jim Bob was behind Leroy when the preacher stuck his finger in Leroy's ear. When the preacher finished his prayer, Jim had vanished. Looking puzzled, the preacher asked Jim Bob's wife what was ailing him, to which she replied "Hemorrhoids."