Joke of the day

suzukiray · January 6, 2020

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.” The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.” Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?” The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.” The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.” The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?” The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

DNP · January 6, 2020

Lmao

Belt Fed · January 7, 2020

98Z5V · January 8, 2020

Ricky Gervais LAID IT DOWN at the Golden Globe awards a couple days ago - destroyed the entertainment industry, and held no punches. Well done... :lmao:

unforgiven · January 8, 2020

11 hours ago, 98Z5V said:

Ricky Gervais LAID IT DOWN at the Golden Globe awards a couple days ago - destroyed the entertainment industry, and held no punches. Well done...

Loved it I don't see those shows, but I wanted to see that. 😆 the truth hurts

DNP · January 8, 2020

I love that he slipped in a Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself...and then called those who didn’t like that joke, friends of Epstein.

392heminut · January 9, 2020

8 hours ago, unforgiven said:

Loved it I don't see those shows, but I wanted to see that. 😆 the truth hurts

Same here! :thumbup:

Belt Fed · January 9, 2020

3 Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: “My wife sure is stupid! She bought an air conditioner.”

2nd Hillbilly: “Why is that stupid?”

1st Hillbilly: “”We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!”

2nd Hillbilly: “That’s nothin’ My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin’ machines!”

1st Hillbilly: “Why is that so stupid?”

2nd Hillbilly: “Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!”

3rd Hillbilly: “That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! … I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar. ”

1st and 2nd Hillbillies : “Well what’s so dumb about that?”

3rd Hillbilly: “She ain’t got no pecker!”

unforgiven · January 10, 2020

Hahaha :thumbup:

Belt Fed · January 14, 2020

This realy happened, that's what makes it so funny!!!

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you -

the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given).

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given).

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death.
I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great!
If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address? '

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)

Cunuckgaucho · January 22, 2020

Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,” he was responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very cold winter.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”

mrmackc · January 25, 2020

82576428_10157425277704022_3701889263688

unforgiven · January 25, 2020

Hahaha

Belt Fed · January 27, 2020

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I move down just three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh... if that fly moves down three inches, I can eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking. “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches that fish will jump for the fly… and I will grab him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.

“Gosh,” he thought , “if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… the bear will expose himself and grab for the fish, I’ll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.”

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of the lake, but I can tell you there’s more… A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop the cheese sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene – as it was fashionable to roam the banks of this particular lake around lunch time- and thought “Gosh… if that fly moves down three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear… and that mouse makes off with that cheese sandwich… then I can have mouse for lunch.”

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of water.

The fish swallows the fly… the bear grabs the fish… the hunter shoots the bear… the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… the cat jumps for the mouse… the mouse ducks… the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pu**y is in serious danger.

sketch · January 28, 2020

hahaha 🍻🤣

Cunuckgaucho · January 28, 2020

Armed Eye Doc · February 1, 2020

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off
to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to
go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but
comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of
red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain, during a routine
inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me
food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Edited February 1, 2020 by Armed Eye Doc

Belt Fed · February 21, 2020

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Sisco · February 21, 2020

A college professor one day has the unenviable task of lecturing his medical students on involuntary muscle contractions which is kind of boring, so he decides to spice it up. In the middle of the lecture, he points to a comely coed in the front row. “Young Lady” , he says, “ What do you think your Azshole is doing when you have an orgasm?” She thinks for a moment and replies; “ Probably playing golf with his friends”.

Edited February 21, 2020 by Sisco