Joke of the day

[survivalshop]

Sources in California   say that radical Muslims are planning 

to kill every U.S. citizen in Los Angeles. 

Police officials fear the death toll could go as high as 49.

 

 

[Sisco]

Saw this on another forum:

Once upon a time, a lonely Prince asked a lovely Princess to marry him.

"Absolutely Not!" She said.

So the Prince went out and started dating long legged  beautiful women with large breasts, and going to bars all hours of the night, and drinking good single malt scotch, and artesian beers. And going fishing and hunting whenever he wanted, and eating steak when he wanted it and farting when he felt like it,  and driving expensive sports cars and going to any sports events he wanted, and all his relatives and friends thought he was the coolest guy ever, and he even left the toilet seat up in the bathroom.

THE END 

Ok no joke, just Nirvana

?

[sketch]

what store does a dog go to after its tail is removed? 

[98Z5V]

5 hours ago, Sisco said:

Saw this on another forum:

Once upon a time, a lonely Prince asked a lovely Princess to marry him.

"Absolutely Not!" She said.

So the Prince went out and started dating long legged  beautiful women with large breasts, and going to bars all hours of the night, and drinking good single malt scotch, and artesian beers. And going fishing and hunting whenever he wanted, and eating steak when he wanted it and farting when he felt like it,  and driving expensive sports cars and going to any sports events he wanted, and all his relatives and friends thought he was the coolest guy ever, and he even left the toilet seat up in the bathroom.

THE END 

Ok no joke, just Nirvana

?

That's exactly where I am right now.  @Rsquared has been telling me for years, and I'm seeing that he's right. 

[Armed Eye Doc]

Three mothers with their children go to a psychologist's office. The psychologist addresses the three mothers, telling them he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to food, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[Armed Eye Doc]

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

[sketch]

hahahaha! 

 

 

 

 

 

a retail store.

[suzukiray]

[mrmackc]

15 hours ago, Armed Eye Doc said:

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

 

15 hours ago, Armed Eye Doc said:

A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had sex with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.

The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

Hey Doc is "or what" how you cure crossed-eyed girls?....How about crossed-eye boys?

Just curious

[ARTrooper]

12 hours ago, suzukiray said:

Was there a joke with this post because I just can't stop staring at the chick.

[98Z5V]

9 minutes ago, ARTrooper said:

Was there a joke with this post because I just can't stop staring at the chick.

I'm with you, on that...  

[Rsquared]

On ‎8‎/‎17‎/‎2018 at 9:55 PM, 98Z5V said:

That's exactly where I am right now.  @Rsquared has been telling me for years, and I'm seeing that he's right. 

It's about Fukin time that you're startin to see it my way. Ya bastard. Do you think that I'd steer a brother wrong?

It's GREAT being a hermit! You only come out for sex when you're good and ready.

[Armed Eye Doc]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “I went to play golf with my brother. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister, “in fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn't it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother.

“But I didn't, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that's when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn't it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said… “You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?”

[Matt.Cross]

[DNP]

Lol. I'm taking that to my tournament next month!

[suzukiray]

I played 2 rounds this afternoon and I am phucking rolling!!!!!

[Cunuckgaucho]

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking and sees one of his socks in the frying
pan.

What are you doing? he asks.

I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you stumbled into our bedroom drunk as a skunk she replied

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself.........

I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..........

[Armed Eye Doc]

Lol

[98Z5V]

That's a good one...  

So was Doc's...

[sketch]

hahahaha i needed a good laugh! thanks gents.

[392heminut]

Unacceptable Tax Return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.  The IRS has  returned the tax return to a man in New York City implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.

 

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone  dependent on you??, the man wrote: "7.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million  unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85  prisons, at  least 450 idiots in Congress and a group that call  themselves politicians."

 

The IRS stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

 

The man's response back to the IRS was, "Who did I leave out?"

[392heminut]

A garage story...
 

 

One evening, after the honeymoon, Tom was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage.  His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage.  You probably should also consider selling your Harley and all your welding equipment along with your gun collection, your fishing gear, the boat and all those stupid model airplanes, plus dump that vintage hot rod sports car and your home brewing equipment."

Tom got a horrified look on his face.

 

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute, you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!?" she screamed.  "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied, “I wasn’t."

[98Z5V]

THE LAST ONE TRIED THAT SHIIT!!!.   And she got her oldest daughter on it, too!

"WHY do you need 9 quads and motorcycles? "

Well, honey, because they're all different, and they do different things. 

"It doesn't make any sense nobody needs that many motorcycles..."  - see how she just turned it into "motorcycles" there?...

1986 TRX-250R, with a 310 kit on it - the most reliable "duner" I have.  It's just badass, and that's probably because it came from Dirk.

2 x 2003 LTZ-400 quads.  Ones a 434 MX race quad, my first 4-stroke race quad.  The other is strictly a duner, and not set up for the MX track.  I basically had so many race parts for the race quad, that I built a second, a little more mild.

2006 LTR-450 - the first EFI race quad.  fuk yeah, I'm keeping that thing!  I'll pound the shiit out of that on a race track.  I'll beat that thing into oblivion - and it's a good duner, too.

The Kid's last race quad - Apex Pro MXR-100, 2-stroke race quad - that was the first thing he could ever dune.  His first quad was a Polaris Predator 50 2-stroke. That Apex is a 100cc 2-stroke, but it's a CVT trans - belt drive trans. I have a complete Honda CR85R engine assembly to graft into that beast, and it'll be the ultimate Pit Quad for us Plus Sized Kids...      Keeping it.

1995 Suzuki DR-350. It's the only stock bike I have, good for trails, good for street.  It's only stock, because it's perfect, stock

2005 Suzuki DR-Z 400 Super Moto - because it's badass..  It's the ultimate street hooligan.  Great for short trips, to RIP SHIIT UP.  It has the same engine as the LTZ-400s, so I had PLENTY of spare race parts to build that thing into a BEAST. 

2007 Suzuki M109R, that I dove right into right away. Big 1800cc V-Twin cruiser.  The perfect fuk-around bike, or longer distance bike for rides.

1998 Honda CR500R.  Because.  That's enough reason, right there.  Fully rebuilt it, after I got it for a DEAL. 

Now, if you're counting, that's 10. I gave the Polaris Pred 50 to Dirk a few years ago, "to give his boys the sickness..." 

Uncle Tommy is gonna teach those boys about HORSEPOWER...  

So, she wanted me to get rid of them.  "Too many, not necessary, you're a hoarder..."  Blah, blah, blah...  I said okay - which ONE do I keep, with what I do?  YOU go find me a paddle tire that fits an 18" rim, that's 10" wide, and I'll keep the M109.  I can ride it on the street, it'll almost do a wheelie, and if you can find that paddle tire, I'll ride that motherfucker in the dunes...

She stopped after that. She realized that made NO SENSE...

 

 

Edited September 18, 2018 by 98Z5V

[Cunuckgaucho]

GENERAL-- Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, More powerful than a Steam engine, Faster than a speeding bullet, Gives policy to God!

COLONEL-- Leaps short buildings with a single bound, More powerful than a shunting engine, Is just as fast as a speeding bullet, Walks on water (If the sea is calm), Talks with God!

LIEUTENANT COLONEL-- Leaps short buildings with a running start in favorable winds, Is almost as powerful as a speeding bullet, Walks on water in indoor swimming pools, Talks with God if special request is approved.

MAJOR-- Barely clears a Nissan hut, Loses tug-of-war with a steam engine, Can fire a speeding bullet & swims well, Is occasionally addressed by God.

CAPTAIN--Makes high marks when trying to leap tall buildings, Is run over by trains, Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, Dog paddles, Talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT-- Runs into tall buildings, Recognizes trains 2 out of 3 times, Is not issued with ammunition, Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of a life jacket, Talks to walls.

2nd LIEUTENANT-- Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter buildings, Says "Look at Choo Choo" Is NEVER issued with a gun or ammunition, Plays in mud puddles, Mumbles to himself.

SERGEANT MAJOR-- Lifts tall buildings & walks under them, Kicks steam engines off the track, Catches speeding bullets in his teeth & eats them, Freezes water with a single glance.... HE IS GOD!

[98Z5V]

I like that, but you left out another rung on the ladder. It goes a step deeper... but it's MUCH deeper... 

First Sergeant.  That's what the Sergeant Major was, before he got promoted to Sergeant Major, got "an office," and "started missing the troops" on a daily occurance.  That's the last time he actually had troops directly under his authority, and he set shiit straight every single day.  Commended well-doers, cracked skulls of shitbags.  Kicked the Company Commander STRAIGHT in the ass on a daily basis, to keep the mission on track.  Chewed Platoon Sergeant's asses like they were Tic-Tacs.  "Counseled" subordinate NCOs just by being present, in their space.  Continually beat down Platoon Leaders, because Lieutenants need that for their career development.  Strong NCOs make stupid LTs into GREAT Officers...  This is all before morning PT was over...   THEN, he would drink his second pot of coffee and continue through the rest of the day...    Daily. 

Moving into that "office," and not being in direct charge of troops daily, is what made the Sergeant Major so mean in the first place...   What he did BEFORE that is what made him the badass...