Joke of the day

sketch · August 7, 2014

Large zip tie around the drive shaft has always been the trick for me. Hard to do to a car but an SUV or truck very easy and quick !

Toolndie7 · August 7, 2014

Large zip tie around the drive shaft has always been the trick for me. Hard to do to a car but an SUV or truck very easy and quick !

I like that. With the tail hanging off and slapping around that would make a hell of a noise.

shibiwan · August 7, 2014

Hmm... is oiling his brake discs too much? >:D

Toolndie7 · August 7, 2014

Danm Shib this guys really got you ticked off huh? toss a rag drippping with gear oil on top of his muffler

unforgiven · August 7, 2014

>:D Hide contraband on it and call the cops. >:D

planeflyer21 · August 8, 2014

Get the sawzall and cut out his cats...then film his face when he starts his car up.

Rsquared · August 8, 2014

Shibi. Call amongst you're inner self. C'mon........you're Asian. Plant some kind of fish on his catalytic converter. He'll smell that for some time before he finds it.

Or......................I've got a small bottle of some stuff called "body bag". It's supposed to induce some kind of projectile vomiting. <laughs> What's not to like?

DNP · August 8, 2014

Industrial foam. The two part stuff. Five gallon bucket with a couple pounds of each part. Combine, place bucket in front seat (may require minor window removal). It will fill every crevice. Between wires, in vents. It will likely spill out of the window and glue the car to the ground.

I have never done this, but know a crazy bastard who did.

Edited August 8, 2014 by DNP

Microgunner · August 8, 2014

Down here in Florida if you park under the trees the birds shiit all over your car. It's the worst place to park. No birds in Az.?

DNP · August 9, 2014

Only rats....I've heard there's a story in the Old Testament where the Arizona birds disobeyed the forum rules and the nasty rats lost their wings and were forced to wander the scorching earth with the rest of the heathens....but I've never checked to see if it's really there...

Wouldn't surprise me.

sketch · August 9, 2014

I like that. With the tail hanging off and slapping around that would make a hell of a noise.

It only slaps in drive!! When they stop nothing!!

shibiwan · August 9, 2014

Down here in Florida if you park under the trees the birds shiit all over your car. It's the worst place to park. No birds in Az.?

They spontaneously combust/explode here in the summer heat. *POOF*

392heminut · September 5, 2014

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah!" Death to America" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!

"So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

unforgiven · September 6, 2014

BWAAHHAAAHAA love it brother. <thumbsup> Fuk yea.

sketch · September 6, 2014

Nice one !!

Microgunner · September 6, 2014

best laugh all day.

Carne Frio · September 7, 2014

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DNP · September 8, 2014

I guess none of wanted em to be Fruit Loops?

Edited September 8, 2014 by DNP

blue109 · September 24, 2014

eating vegetables is alot like anal sex. if you were forced to do it as a child, you won't enjoy it as much as an adult.

MaDuce · September 24, 2014

Cops are like dogs. You run, they chase.

shepp · September 29, 2014

Guys driving thru the country see's this guy fucking this sheep out in a field so he stops at a neighboring farm and knocks on the door, young boy answers the door and he says lil boy there's some guy out there fucking your sheep

Lil boys says ya I know that's my daaaaaaaaa-d

Toolndie7 · September 30, 2014

being as how we are on the farm,

what do you call a cow with no legs??

ground beef

planeflyer21 · September 30, 2014

How about a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

Armed Eye Doc · October 8, 2014

This may be a repeat. I had heard it before.

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party . Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little touch here and a little kiss there .

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished...

Naturally, (since he was her husband).

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much?"

"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy to whom I loaned my costume.”

sketch · November 15, 2014

The Manitoba Herald

Dateline Manitoba

7 November, 2014

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has Intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The recent actions of the Tea Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and to agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night."I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood Producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, But the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on the Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada , Vice President Biden met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals. A source close to President Obama said, "We're going to have some Paul McCartney and Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might even put some endangered species on postage stamps. The President is determined to reach out," he said.