Joke of the day

[MikedaddyH]

They are calling it , Post- Tard- Syndrome- Disorder !

Edited February 23, 2017 by MikedaddyH

[Rsquared]

That's F-ing great SS.

[Sisco]

Can't remember if this one bee's posted

[392heminut]

All you married bikers out there. Thought this was great!!! LOL

 

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his motorcycle.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit riding your bike. Maybe you should sell your motorcycle."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn’t!"

[planeflyer21]

8 minutes ago, 392heminut said:

All you married bikers out there. Thought this was great!!! LOL

 

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his motorcycle.
His wife was standing there watching him.
After a long period of silence, she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit riding your bike. Maybe you should sell your motorcycle."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn’t!"

Wifey was on the back of mine to about 6 1/2 months preggers.

[jtallen83]

I swear I work for these guys!

Bob  and  Ray
 
Ray and Bob, two Government mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
 
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
 
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
 
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
 
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
 
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
 
Ray shook his head and laughed.
 
"Ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
 
"We need the height and she gave us the length!"
 
Bob and Ray are still working for the Government.

 

DISCLAIMER: The above statement is my personal opinion and in no way reflects the policy of the DOT

[shepp]

[Sisco]

 

A store has just opened in New York City that offered free husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

 

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors to choose from. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!

 

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

 

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

 

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely Good Looking.

 

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 71,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

 

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a Wife Store just across the street.

 

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

 

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and doesn't nag.

 

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited....

 

[planeflyer21]

I stopped on the 2nd floor too.  

[suzukiray]

An old guy goes to see the doctor because his dick turned orange. The doc is checking him out & says "Wow! I've never seen this before. Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The old guy replies "No."

The doc asks "Do you work with with hazardous chemicals?" To which the old guy answers "No, I'm retired."

The doc says What do you do during the day?" The old guy says "Watch porn & eat Cheetos."

 

Ray.

[MikedaddyH]

24 minutes ago, suzukiray said:

An old guy goes to see the doctor because his dick turned orange. The doc is checking him out & says "Wow! I've never seen this before. Does anyone else in your family have this condition?" The old guy replies "No."

The doc asks "Do you work with with hazardous chemicals?" To which the old guy answers "No, I'm retired."

The doc says What do you do during the day?" The old guy says "Watch porn & eat Cheetos."

 

Ray.

Ray that's my opening joke from 1992 !

[Sisco]

 Whats really great is when you have an orange dick and it's your wife or girl friend who's the Cheetos lover.

[bubbas4570]

3 hours ago, Sisco said:

 Whats really great is when you have an orange dick and it's your wife or girl friend who's the Cheetos lover.

[Armed Eye Doc]

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[bubbas4570]

3 hours ago, Armed Eye Doc said:

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

That's just how I would do it also.......

[unforgiven]

On ‎3‎/‎26‎/‎2017 at 3:33 PM, planeflyer21 said:

I stopped on the 2nd floor too.  

I would have stopped at the first. I can't hear to good.

[Armed Eye Doc]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour."
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces," I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?"

[Matt.Cross]

^^^

[98Z5V]

Excellent!!!   

[EngrBob]

[Armed Eye Doc]

Have you ever had North Korean food??

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's okay, they haven't either.

[jtallen83]

Good one!

[Sisco]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.  But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.  If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.  If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.  It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[Armed Eye Doc]

If 0bama had decided it's guys over girls would that have made me homobamaphobic?

[unforgiven]

Doc and Sisco are killin it.