Joke of the day

[sketch]

Things I trust more than Hillary:

* Mexican tap water

* A rattlesnake with a "pet me" sign

* OJ Simpson showing me his knife collection

* A fart when I have diarrhea

* An elevator ride with Ray Rice

* Taking pills offered by Bill Cosby

* Michael Jackson's Doctor

* An Obama Nuclear deal with Iran

* A Palestinian on a motorcycle

* Gas station Sushi

* A Jimmy Carter economic plan

* Brian Williams news reports

* Obama's so-called Birth Certificate

* Loch Ness monster sightings

* Prayers for peace from Al Sharpton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[jtallen83]

An analysis of a society by the shape of its toilets, I googled $hit and came up with this;

 

[mrraley]

 Oh..., eat-bite-fornicate-suck-gobble-nibble-chew,
Nipple-bosom-hairpie-fingerfuck-screw,
Moose-piss, cat-pud, orangutan-tit,
Sheep-female cat, camel-crack, pig and lion poop.

Purple headed, cherry poppin, tea baggin bitch
Pink puckered pun-tang lyin in a ditch
Ass plowin' female cat chowin, wife sloppin huggy
You ball lappin slut sword swallow my chubby.

[mrmackc]

 Oh..., eat-bite-fornicate-suck-gobble-nibble-chew,
Nipple-bosom-hairpie-fingerfuck-screw,
Moose-piss, cat-pud, orangutan-tit,
Sheep-female cat, camel-crack, pig and lion poop.

Purple headed, cherry poppin, tea baggin bitch
Pink puckered pun-tang lyin in a ditch
Ass plowin' female cat chowin, wife sloppin huggy
You ball lappin slut sword swallow my chubby.

Hey  mrraley   sir.... do you be shore enough aggitated or jest a bit perplexed?

Edited September 12, 2015 by mrmackc

[jtallen83]

 Oh..., eat-bite-fornicate-suck-gobble-nibble-chew,
Nipple-bosom-hairpie-fingerfuck-screw,
Moose-piss, cat-pud, orangutan-tit,
Sheep-female cat, camel-crack, pig and lion poop.

Purple headed, cherry poppin, tea baggin bitch
Pink puckered pun-tang lyin in a ditch
Ass plowin' female cat chowin, wife sloppin huggy
You ball lappin slut sword swallow my chubby.

Swear I did some drinking to that back in the day??? Hard to say for sure as I was drunk;)

[planeflyer21]

Burn!

 

[Armed Eye Doc]

This may have been posted before.  I think I remember it, but I will repost it anyway.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ol1wxsN411k

[Rsquared]

Sorry. That makes me think less of you Doc. laugh

[washguy]

 
FLAWLESS MALE LOGIC ...

 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
Do you drink beer?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man: Yes

 
 
 
 
 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
How many beers a day?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man:

 
 
 
 
 
 
Usually about 3

 
 
 
 
 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
How much do you pay per beer?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

 
 
 
 
 
 
(This is where it gets scary !)

 
 
 
 
 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
And how long have you been drinking?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man:

 
 
 
 
 
 
About 20 years, I suppose

 
 
 
 
 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man:

 
 
 
 
 
 
Correct

 
 
 
 
 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man:

 
 
 
 
 
 
Correct

 
 
 
 
 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man:

 
 
 
 
 
 
Do you drink beer?

 
 
 
 
 
 
Woman:

 
 
 
 
 
 
No

 
 
 
 
 
 
Man:

 
 
 
 
 
 
Where's your Ferrari?

[sketch]

Ha nice one wash! 

[GreyGoose]

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

At this point, several of the children giggle.

I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh.

The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidt's."

[washguy]

 

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The

teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister
is

in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the
third-grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's
office.
While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained
to

the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he

would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions
he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Little Johnny: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Little Johnny: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade

should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think

Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The

principal and Little Johnny both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Little Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The

principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)

Little Johnny: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...)

Little Johnny: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Little Johnny: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a

dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and
before

he could stop the answer...)

Little Johnny: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"

Little Johnny: "Yup"

Teacher: you blow me, you feel good"

Little Johnny: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver"


Little Johnny: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot
of
excitement?"

Little Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his
***
in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself

[planeflyer21]

A dog walks into a bar, hops up onto a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and says "Hey, guess what?  I can talk!  Have you ever seen a talking dog before?  How about a drink?"  The bartender thinks for a moment, then says "Sure.  The toilet is around the corner."

 

Robocop is out on patrol one day and sees an old lady driving by while knitting.  He roars up next to her window and yells while pointing "PULL OVER!!"  She glances up and says "No, it's a sweater."

 

Some people have asked me what I'm going to do in retirement.  I'm going to build a house.  I applied for the building permit.  It was going to be 100' high, 400' wide, 12 gun turrets at various locations, and a bad azz outdoor sound system for entertaining all the neighbors.  The plan was to have parking for 200 cars for all my friends and it was going to be painted snot green with pink trim.

The city zoning officer said "No way!  It ain't gonna happen!"  So I resubmitted the same request to build a mosque.

We break ground next Friday!

[mineralman55]

You had to ruin the mood with that last joke? F'in moose limbs.

[Robocop1051]

This isn't really a joke but... I quoted Tom at work the other day. I told a guy, "everytime I see you, I'm going to climb up inside your asss and stretch out like a spider monkey."

It went over as expected. 

[Matt.Cross]

 I told a guy, "everytime I see you, I'm going to climb up inside your asss and stretch out like a spider monkey."

It went over as expected. 

"Easy tiger, you have to at least buy me dinner!"

[suzukiray]

Boy asks his Dad, "Why do people say gardeners have green thumbs when their thumbs aren't green?"

Dad replies. "It's just a saying, son. It's like, when somebody is caught stealing something, we say they have been
caught red handed, even though their hands are actually black."

 

Too much?

Ray.

Edited September 26, 2015 by suzukiray

[98Z5V]

This isn't really a joke but... I quoted Tom at work the other day. I told a guy, "everytime I see you, I'm going to climb up inside your asss and stretch out like a spider monkey."

It went over as expected. 

HELL FUCKIN' YES, BROTHER!!!! 

[Sisco]

[GreyGoose]

A man wakes up one morning to noise coming from up on his roof, he walks out only to find a gorilla up there.

Bewildered at the thought and not sure what to do he looks in the yellow pages, and sure enough there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers”, he calls the number and the gorilla remover assures him he”ll be there in less than 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives 25 mins later and gets out of a large van with a steel reinforced cage in the back.

As he approaches the homeowner he notices he’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a huge growling ferocious looking dog.

“What exactly are you planning to do?” the homeowner asks.

“I’m going to put up this here ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock that f*ckin gorilla off the damn roof with the bat.

"Then what", asks the homeowner?

Well when that big bastard falls off that there roof that big ass damn dog is trained to immediately bite down on that gorilla’s balls and squeeze as hard as he can, and mister that dogs got 250 lbs of pressure in his bite and a locking jaw, trust me that big black motherf*ckers gonna be in so much damn pain that it will give me time to tranquilize him and call the dog off, then I can lock him in the cage in the back of the van,” says the gorilla remover... and promptly hands the homeowner the shotgun.

“And what exactly is the shotgun for then?”, asks the homeowner.

“If the f*ckin gorilla grabs the bat and knocks my ass off the roof shoot that damn dog.”

Edited October 7, 2015 by GreyGoose

[mrmackc]

Got it all planned out,right? even plan "B"

[jtallen83]

I wasn't sure where to put this til "Joke of the day" caught my eye;

The new "Muzzle Brake/Sound Forwarder"!

[392heminut]

Hmmm.....the one end isn't even a muzzle brake, it's a flash suppressor! Is that thing for real or some photoshop job?

[jtallen83]

Hmmm.....the one end isn't even a muzzle brake, it's a flash suppressor! Is that thing for real or some photoshop job?

It's for sale on ebay right now for $36.99 but I'm not certain that qualifies it as real, hence the post in this section instead of muzzle devices .They have another for $19.99 but it only forwards sound. LOL Neither have flats to tighten them. I guess it is a quick change, just thread the brake on by hand then swap it around to deafen your foes!

[shepp]

Is forwarder a word?!? 

 

Its a danged ol sound forwarder!!!